tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37779326929653824922024-03-18T21:02:11.109-07:00Anything & EverythingUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger158125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-18233404916146500632013-07-12T16:17:00.001-07:002013-07-12T16:17:09.940-07:00What is normal? I was right in assuming that motherhood wasn't for me. I've always known it, I've never been the one to fawn over children. Some women say they were born to me a mother, that when their child was born life was "complete". I wanted so very bad to feel that. To feel that raw emotion that's supposed to intertwine your souls and all that other sappy shit.<br />
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All these years of saying that "I don't feel like normal people" and I've never believed it more than now. I just feel bad . I feel bad for Alan having to deal with me and my "melancholy" . I mean how long can one person stand it. I feel bad for my daughter. She deserves so much better.<br />
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I'll finish this later............ Not up to writing the restUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-32804367491885347672013-03-08T13:15:00.000-08:002013-03-08T13:15:52.537-08:00Le SighHow I'm feeling ?<br />
I feel alone. Not in the "I'm doing everything by myself" alone . I don't know how to explain it. I should be stress free, shouldn't I ? Alan is more of a husband than a boyfriend ( not that I'm complaining) . He makes sure I have whatever I need, want. Whatever is in his power he's always willing to just give it to me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. The one thing that I'm suppose to be doing is school... and I'm failing miserably at that. I hate it. I hate how I keep letting people down. <br />
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My Mom? Ever since I found out I was pregnant we've been closer. Shocking right ? She's like my only friend, her and my sisters. My Mom and I talk everyday now, I actually miss being over there sometimes because I can't stand the silence in this apartment.Now she has a new boyfriend, I like him enough,but I feel like I just got her back. After 18 years I feel like we finally have the relationship that both of us wanted. I'm not ready to let her go , to someone else. Every time she dates someone it's them. <b>THEM. </b>All the time. Instead of everything going slow, it's like you can't catch her without him .<br />
My sisters are always in their own world which is fair enough , we talk enough. It's not like we ever have complex conversations anyway.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I cry out of the blue and blame it on hormones even though I did that before I was pregnant.I'm just so overwhelmed with thoughts . Thoughts from the past , present and the haunting future. 23 weeks and I'm still not ready to be someone's mom. I feel like Leilani deserves better than me . <br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-87648001950298541372012-12-13T12:29:00.001-08:002012-12-13T12:29:52.672-08:00OutHow many times am I going to be humiliated, shitted on?<br />
Oddly , I feel no anger, I've come to a point of "what's new?". I'm so used to this fuckery, typical typical fuckery. <br />
<ul>
<li>My rent is slowly creeping up</li>
<li>I need to find a new job like ASAP</li>
<li>I'm pregnant</li>
</ul>
and now this......................................<br />
I should've just went to college . Dorm Room, Frat Party College. I wouldn't be dealing with this. I've been trying to see the bright side in all of this , but there's always something............ Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-38752458736873794672012-08-29T14:18:00.004-07:002012-08-29T20:19:42.191-07:00Where I standI'm conflicted. With who I wanna be and who I should be. It's time I made a decision, it isn't fair for everyone involved to be dragged along while I try and figure out what I'm going to do. Somehow I feel as if people are making it easier . <i style="color: #93c47d;"><b>Spreading their opinions</b></i> among 2,3 people. How am I still in the dark while everyone else was given a flashlight. Am I not the <i style="color: #0b5394;"><b>key component to this schematic</b></i>? If not then what the fuck am I still doing here. Instead of having your suspicions about me people should worry about who there friends are.<br />
When are we finally going to be mature enough to express our feelings with each other instead of with irrelevant people? I've been trying to build this strong relationship that people would envy, but I'm realizing ....what's there to want?<br />
I'm sick of settling, I'm not saying I'm better than anyone , but I deserve better. I don't deserve to be second guessed all the time..... <i style="color: #741b47;"><b>I haven't done anything</b></i>. Although, there have been times when I have wanted to. I don't like people keeping tabs on me not you, your friend(s), I'm not a child. Seems like you trusted me more back then when all you knew about me was how I liked to be fucked.<br />
I haven't changed at all. I've been this way since we met. I'm only in a<i style="color: #990000;"><b> harder exterior</b></i>, but of course you have yourself to blame for that. I've come to the conclusion after all this time that I love myself more than I love him, and for a while it was the opposite. I'm at a point in my life where if it needs to be done it can be no hard feelings . I won't bother him ever again. If that's what he wants. I'm just tired.<br />
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<h4 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">Well, knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle....</span></span></h4>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-57788671528532649312012-07-29T19:22:00.003-07:002012-07-29T19:22:47.692-07:00The CyclePeople are such bullshit and I hate you all . Go die . Jump off a bridge cliff idgaf. Suck my dick and suffocate on my mandigo . Times ticking . The Bombs gonna blow. The detonator is impossible to reach. Have fun smelling your own fumes. HMm yeaUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-14061462410608321222012-05-08T08:28:00.001-07:002012-05-08T08:28:16.308-07:00Checkmate<div style="text-align: center;"><strong><em><u><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">“Keep quiet and people will think you a philosopher.” </span></u></em></strong></div><br />
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Once upon a time there was a Queen of a vast world called Kiavibech that knew all. Every little secret thought erased from the face of the Earth was kept deep within the crevices of her brain.How did she come to acquire such precious gifts you might ask? Well let's just say when you're quiet...people love to fill the silence. The Queen loved all of her subjects. The liars, and criers, illegal drug buyers. Each played a part in her realm for without them where would she be? All was well until one day one of her trusted advisers committed treason . The silent rule of secrecy was broken . Everyone knew of his act except the Queen, but no one said anything. No one except Milo. Milo who hardly knew the Queen was smitten with her at first sight. But rule of the court forbade them to ever be more than master and servant. He took a vow to admire from afar and always protect the Queen. The corrupted advisor kept on with his crimes not thinking that one day they would catch up to him.Milo didn't know what he should do so he waited and soon after the advisor enlisted an accomplice who knew far more than she should. Milo knew that he must tell the Queen because she would know what to do. After listening to everything Milo had to say the Queen calmly explained that she had nothing to fear. She told him the many stories she'd sworn to take with her to the grave that if "accidentally" slipped out could ruin people beyond repair.Within the amount of time it took her to accumulate all of it she had secrets of her own. Some she never told anyone and some that "tumbled" out of her mouth in hopes that when the time came that whoever that one person that knew was, if spoken would be catch then unravel their own web of lies that were far worse than anything she's ever done. The Queen regal and all set an execution date and vowed that no matter what the final blowed would be delivered personally by her. <br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><em><strong><span style="color: red; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">The End</span></strong></em></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-7731466249833999502012-04-27T07:14:00.000-07:002012-04-27T07:15:25.030-07:00Shifting GearsI'm graduating in about a month and some days. Geez I thought I'd never say that. Pretty soon I'll be walking across the stage in my dorky cap and gown. It feels like I've been in high school for 10 years. 10 long shitty years. Will I miss this place, the people, the <em><strong><span style="color: #f1c232;">walls of virtual security</span></strong></em>? Hard to tell. It still hasn't hit me I'm about to be a<strong><em><span style="color: #38761d;"> full fledged adult</span></em></strong>. Say what you want about me not paying for EVERYTHING on my own. I've paid my debt to society aha. I'm in the process of moving out, I should find out if I've been excepted into The Art Institute, no one can tell me what to do anymore. Life is good . This chapter of my life is finally coming to an end...as cheesy as that sounds. <br />
I'm not really sure if I want to even move out with four other people . <strong><em><span style="color: #e06666;">Four very different people</span></em></strong>. Two of them are guys.... I can't decide if I really want to move in because I do or if I'm just desperate to get out. I guess we should all sit and talk about it before any of us waste time and money.It's so annoying when the pessimist try to tell us we can't do it or it's a silly ideal. Well you wanna know what you're a silly idea fucktards.<br />
I know it isn't doable, but when it is I wanna have my own place.<strong><em><span style="color: #45818e;"> Me,myself and I.</span></em></strong> Alan was apart of the plan but I'm not ready, at least I don't think I am, to live with him.I'm pretty sure he doesn't even want to at the moment if he could. We talked about it and we're just too different when it comes to how we wanna live.That decision could either make or break our relationship and right now I think that would be the straw that broke the camel's back. <br />
Anyway, who knows post-high school me could be a freaking bombshell.....yeah right. Maybe Kiani 2.0 is in the making already. I feel like high school has been holding me back from just living life . Okayy okayy part of that is because of me...lol<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
So........<strong><span style="color: #351c75; font-size: xx-small;">Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.</span></strong></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-79250778082217017432012-04-25T07:40:00.000-07:002012-04-25T07:40:15.287-07:00Caught in the MatrixI'm not really sure what it is about my relationship right now.Something is just...off. Like there's a huge elephant in the room that neither one has bothered chase out.I feel like I'm chasing him away, but it's not intentional. It's just that normal things that he does are all of a sudden bothering me immensely.It's not like the beginning of our relationship when I was just getting annoyed with ALWAYS being with him becuase at this point i love spending time with him. Anytime I'm not with him that's when it bothers me. Honestly, what I think it is is this whole Sean and Rachel thing... It's rehashing all of these feelings that I thought I released a while ago. It just makes me think back . This time I get to see it from an outsider's POV. It's heartbreaking to watch my bestfriend go through that. To watch her go at it with that ugly bitch. It's like deja vu. It's like having post tramatic stress from war and hearing gunshots outside of your door. <br />
I forgave him. Didn't I? So why can't we talk about it without fear of me being upset. "Either you forgive him or move on." the advice I gave her. I'm pretty sure I followed that....Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-84259072256041202512012-03-19T07:57:00.005-07:002012-03-19T08:25:15.579-07:00Bitch you're ugly no need for the caption we knowI hate ugly girls who think they're ""bad . Like i'm sorry, but when did it become ok for you bitches to plop your big ass on the <strong><em><span style="color:#009900;">bathroom sink</span></em></strong> and hope to god you look "phat" (is that what the cool ones say nowadays?...Idk).<br />Ooh Ooh wait what about those pictures where you're just getting out of the shower or you look in the mirror and wince your face up like someone just poured alcohol into your rectum after a big shit.Snap <span style="color:#6600cc;"><em>*Caption*</em></span> "I look soooo ugly, but oh well" ........WTF like alright girl if it's so ugly why post it and punish us with your selfishness?<br />Here's my all time fave, you lean over with a "cleavagistic" shirt . Snsp<em><span style="color:#6600cc;">* Caption*</span></em> some deep ass quote like "Only god can judge me" .... <span style="color:#00cccc;">1.)No bitch actually it's on the internet so anyone can judge you including vivid entertainment if they needed new material for soft porn. 2.) Don't pretend like your nipples aren't waiting for their debut really you're far too kind. 3.) Thanks for the show now get back on your pole. </span><br />And last, but certainly not least the middle finger and finger guns (watch out Bambi) in ANY picture. Really? Bitch you're ugly is all I can say.It's not cool in any way. Makes you look retarded .<br /><br /><br /><div align="center"><span style="font-size:78%;color:#663333;">So remember knowledge is power and maybe you should stop taking pitures because....you just lost.</span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-9334800252386811422012-03-19T07:45:00.003-07:002012-03-19T07:57:50.636-07:00Still UnsureDo I say what I'm thinking or spare someone's feelings? I hate feeling like <em><strong><span style="color:#ff6600;">communication</span></strong></em> is just one way. Why should I have to worry about results of "just saying" what we're both probably thinking? When will I have the shrewdness to finally ask" How exactly will this work" ? and "Are we wasting our time, playing <span style="color:#3366ff;"><em><strong>semi-house</strong></em></span>, playing semi adults?" It would just be nice to know for certain instead of always wondering if this is all just a temporary solution to a bigger problem. I'm aware words were spoken and futures assumed,but until things are set and stone i'm just on.....idk.<br /><br /><div align="center"><em><span style="font-size:78%;color:#6633ff;">So remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.</span></em></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-83973680111146667082012-03-14T07:23:00.002-07:002012-03-14T07:38:55.702-07:00Too little too lateGrowing up my sisters and I have basically raised ourselves. Then when my brother was born it just seemed like second nature to become the "mother" all over again.. I'm not saying my mom deserted us. All I'm saying is she could have done a little better. I don't know i guess listening to her talking about trying something new with the family or ......I don't really know what I'm trying to say..........While my mom was off tending to the so called men that she brought into our lives, we were busy growing up. Time never stopped as much as I think she thinks it did. Instead of being there for us she was too busy trying to find a new "Father" for a us. Or maybe she wasn't thinking about us period. Who knows what goes on in her head. Countless nights of listening to the arguing, sleeping in the car while she played romeo (balcony scene) ,letting them put hands on her child. Yet still we were left to sort through the confusing feelings of everything that went on. I'm the one that had to explain when they were scared, I'm the one who had to step in and say "keep your hands off of my brother" , I'm the one who stepped up and said what everyone in the house thought.I'm the one who watched her kids while she was out doing who knows, I'm the one that watched the tears spill down cheeks and listened to sniffles meant to be silent,I'm the one who had to hold it in and seem strong with no one to comfort me. So excuse the hell out of me because I don't trust you, or the men you choose.I'm sorry if you deem me selfish because I don't want to mend an imaginary relationship because now you decide it's convienient for you . If that's what I am for doing things that you should've been there to do then that's fine with me. I feel that if anyone was selfish it was you.........<br />So...<br /><br /><div align="center"><strong><em><span style="font-size:78%;color:#6633ff;">Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.</span></em></strong></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-66542023209368224672012-03-06T15:30:00.000-08:002012-03-08T16:05:07.003-08:00WebsThis is so long over due, but every time I open this window my thoughts scatter and leave me a feeling of ...idk<br />Recently, I've been thinking....what's new right? I've been thinking about how no one has secrets anymore . The saying is ultimately true. Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. Now a days we're all caught up in lies . He said. She said. I miss the times when you could genuinely trust someone .....let me rephrase that. I miss the times when my words were just air and unimportant. I shouldn't have to hear shit from 3 different people when I only told you. That's how you catch people in a lie. You tell one person and if anyone else repeats it.....well you know. The worst part about it is when it came back to me half of the truth remained. How will we decipher the truth when it becomes too mangled to process?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-87852169083046117522012-01-08T18:04:00.000-08:002012-01-08T18:45:35.411-08:00Double StandardsComing clean is the only way to get the full story . I think it's hilarious actually. I'm not heartless, but I refuse to feel bad for what went on in the free zone. If I can look past you getting it on with your<span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 102, 102);"> fat baboon</span> in that gahdamn hiatus of 4 gahdamn months then you should be able to fall in place, strap that erection on and keep the past in the past. I didn't lie no one asked. I don't believe in cheating, but if I'm single and you wanna act single I'm not going to sit around like some <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">simpleton</span>....I like sex too much. I'm allowed to be close to anyone of the opposite sex, but no that doesn't mean I'm boning them . He was there to talk to, going through a bad break up too . When you were too busy ignoring me to go lollygag with your precious seed and her. So I don't wanna hear that bullshit.<br /> I'm not perfect, but to be accused of something that serious is insulting and it made me vomit(literally) to think that we almost ended on some <span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0); font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">half ass</span> shit boils my blood and gives me those impulsive thoughts that I know I'd regret later.What the fuck do I have to do to show my <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 204, 255);">goddamn sincerity</span> ? That's the question I shouldn't have to answer.<br /> I don't even look over your shoulder anymore cause if you're gonna cheat be my guest I have nothing that keeps me tied to you I can walk scotch free, I chose not to so why would I do something to jeopardize what I've invested<span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0); font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"> blood sweat and tears</span> in (no pun intended) ? What sense does that make? Nada.<br /><div style="text-align: center; color: rgb(102, 51, 102);">SO REMEMBER KNOWLEDGE IS POWER AND NOT KNOWING IS JUST HALF THE BATTLE .......<span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 51);font-size:78%;" >so don't lose again baby</span><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-54295788454072200352012-01-05T19:34:00.000-08:002012-01-05T20:52:05.062-08:00What if (Celtic Version) Emilie AutumnListening to this song always makes me think of people that ask me "What if" like it's a fucking game show. Even people that only know me Via Facebook do it which is even more annoying. That situation.It's like you don't really care what's going on or how it affects anyone , you just like to have your nose in a little bit of everything. <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 51, 204);">If I go around asking myself what if the saga would never end and the regression would slowly begin...</span> Which I refuse to let happen. I've come too far to let the wall tumble back down. I will never again lose control, no one and nothing is worth it at the moment. Instead of what if , I focus on what I feel at every point of the day . Sometimes I find myself tensing up at the first sight of being uncomfortable. I don't know if people notice ( I hope not I don't wanna be weird) . I can't help it I try to keep the smile or at least an unreadable face .Hmm I thought it would be longer but my mind seems to be at ease again so I guess I'll stop.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center; color: rgb(102, 51, 255);"><span style="font-size:78%;">So remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.</span><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-26620534962459309122012-01-02T20:52:00.000-08:002012-01-05T20:59:53.584-08:002012It's finally here and I don't know what to think..I just hope that <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; color: rgb(102, 51, 102);">everything </span>remains where it's at. 2012 is my year to be happy. It's the year I won't tolerate anything less from anyone. You wanna be along for the ride then you better buckle up cause I have plans for this year and all of you can fall in line or not. Either way I'm gone.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0);font-size:78%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.</span></span><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-47146961030067532012011-10-25T18:01:00.000-07:002011-10-25T18:39:54.592-07:00Vague UnderstandingsI never understood how the person who seems to have everything you could ever want and can do anything without reprimand is still unhappy . Why am I forced to sit through the tears, why am I forced to slap on this fictitious smile and pretend like I have no problems of my own, therefore having the time to solve their own. Why do I have to keep feeding the same advice repetitively in order to make you understand the obvious. I've come to the point in my life where I've eliminated all of the <span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153); font-weight: bold;">parasitical relationships</span> but one out of my life. And yet this is the one that that's taking the most from me . Not physically but mentally. What good is a best friend if you can't share your inner secrets in hopes of some much needed second opinions.<br /><br />It seems like every person I meet wants something, but doesn't go the extra mile for me . Waiting for the day. I intended for this to be longer but all of a sudden my words vanished......<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 153, 0);"><span style="font-size:78%;">So remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.<br /></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-81504303365072310782011-10-23T14:14:00.000-07:002011-10-23T14:27:31.892-07:00You + Me + ______ = ?So at two in the morning Alan was here .Beautiful nights I must say . Anyway ever since we found out he's been super affectionate . I don't know why . It's a great feeling though. I don't plan on telling people until I need too. Him on the other hand is excited like there's no tomorrow. I guess plans of moving in together will come sooner than this summer I hope .I miss waking up next to him just about every morning.<br /> His Mom's loves me his whole family does actually and they all said that we'll be great. They're already planning a few things for us . (geez I love them ) I believe them of course because I know it's true .My life right now is like freaking cloud nine . Mustang, a job, My Penis <3 Absolute perfection and NO ONE will ruin it. Pics up soon <3<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br />So take a picture this is a prime example of happiness at its peak.<br />You should try and find it .<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle</span></span><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-7335374870417379362011-10-16T16:11:00.000-07:002011-10-16T16:49:20.431-07:00Literally can't think of a titleI for once in my life I have nothing negative to say. That's probably why writing this is difficult . Usually the strength of my posts are powered by my anger or hurt. The thing is I'm neither. I'm relieved , a little apprehensive , but nonetheless happy. Damn I hope I don't jinx it.<br />It could either go two ways . I could have been right and my era of patience was well sought out for . Or I was wrong and I become the fool everyone has already labeled me as. I have faith in him . I honestly do and I believe he'll take us serious this time.I see my friends and I don't want us to be anything like them . I want us both to be genuinely happy with one another instead of just contenting ourselves. Lazy Dating is something I don't support because in the end someone will get hurt.<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">Only time will tell </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(102, 204, 204);font-size:78%;" >Anyway, Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-35606925816205387472011-10-04T03:19:00.001-07:002011-10-04T03:19:42.990-07:00Ugh okWell....Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-31817734964822280802011-09-24T13:24:00.000-07:002011-09-24T14:17:54.970-07:00The InevitableWhy am I the one to put up with this shit.No one cares. No one sticks up for me.Why? Oh yeah because I'm not relevant anymore.Maybe I should just give in. What's the point of sticking around if I'm not even worth saying something for? "I love her so respect her" the words I've been craving since November 2010 .All those messages,me keeping my mouth shut because I didn't want to stress him out anymore than. he already was I'm glad I didn't say anything it wouldn't of been a waste as I can see. All of those messages and I said nothing .No one to tell then no one to care now.So many words and I was nice to her.I tried even when I hated him and her.I tried because I loved him .but if no one will fend for me I have no other alternative.<br />____________________________________________________________________<br /> It isn't my fault this drama will never cease and yet in the end I'm going to be the one booted and forgotten.I already know how it's going to end. It isn't fair just when I thought everything was relatively okay people ruin it. I would never ask him to choose because I'm scared of the answer. He knows.She knows.I know.It will always be her.What do I have to offer? Myself? Yeah, because that was worth alot in the past.She has the only thing he wants.What about me? It isn't like I'm some drop dead gorgeous girl,hell most days I don't even feel attractive.....I look like I'm 12 and my body could be better...I'm not that interesting of a person and optimism just isn't in my vocabulary.No one wants to deal with that . And I don't blame them ...It'd be nice though.<br /><br />Why can't I ever be happy. Times like this I miss Amber she always understood how I felt and the thoughts were never a secret with her.But <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Amber is dead</span> and I'm still here.She was brave enough and I'm still the coward .Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-13720670675768741332011-09-22T17:18:00.000-07:002011-09-22T18:19:12.896-07:00Matching gold boxesFirst, off I payed a chick 20 bucks to sit in a 3 hour detention.Why? Because I don't do detention.<br />Second, the doctor told me my immune system is declining or something like that.If you pay attention you should know why.Third, my best friend is so self-centered she doesn't even know.<br />Anyway<br />Everyone thinks I have no feelings. They look at the bland expression on my face and take it as me being vacant. I am fully aware of what goes on around me, I just choose to keep it in. Saves everyone the stress of knowing. The truth is, my emotions are very intense.When I feel happy I'm extremely happy.When I'm sad the world is ending and there's no hope.All I want to do is sleep and remain.....I had a point to this .Hmm. Let's try it again. I'm no longer angry and I'm no longer sad. There are just certain things (songs,shows,clothes,movies,jewelry) that spark memories. Good and Bad. Things I know for a fact he doesn't think about or remember .The little details.It's like a pang in my side then it disappears and leaves me in the past once again. Eventually, I'll get it right and it won't bother me...But until then I'll be here in the land of lost hope...Damn I'm such a downer.I just miss him is all.And that's okay.I think I deserve that much.The best, best friend I've ever had come to think of it.Hmm does that say something about my judge of character aha .okayy I'm done.I'll probably write again tonight.<br /><br />I just want someone that will let me cry on them .Maybe scream a few times.I really need it .Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-22150148199740356842011-09-14T17:05:00.000-07:002011-09-14T17:40:10.357-07:008 Months of possibilitiesMy last year of high school and I feel absolutely nothing. Perhaps the feelings will just flood through<span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);"> me seconds before I walk across the stage.Whichever it may be. Going back to the school where it all began. I felt no significance. Few people even remembered me. I got the vacant look from some it read, "Oh there's just another girl" . It's okayy it didn't really bother me . I'm used to being irrelevant. </span><br /> <span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);"> It felt like my schools population of the opposite sex doubled maybe tripled. I'm not even talking about the underclassmen . The weird thing was I felt no attraction to any of them. Even when one talked to me. To be honest I zoned out and didn't hear a word. I just don't look at guys that way anymore. I know, I'm not in a relationship anymore (that's still hard to say out loud), but just the thought of being with another person sickened me. Literally. I'm sure with time it'll get better .Maybe not.But like I said I'm used to being irrelevant as of late. I know he's busy . I don't push it. No expectations remember.</span><br /> Someone told me the best way to get over a man is to get a new one......That's the thing .I don't want a new one. I want the one I have.....had .Is that so much to ask for? Whatever.No stress right?<br /> Well my boobs hurt and I'm hungry so bye.<br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:78%;">Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle<br /></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-2955505794264059892011-09-06T16:49:00.000-07:002011-09-06T17:22:29.403-07:00When will the sidewalk endSometimes.....I reminisce and my past blurs the line of reality. It's like I spend my days thinking about what used to be and how the dynamics of a few relationships have changed. Then I come back to the present and don't know how to handle it. I don't want to forget,because that was the most complicated but splendid part of my life. Then, I was the most happiest, I had what I wanted for once. It didn't matter who liked me. How home was.How much of a loner I was at school. I was just in pure bliss. Now? I'm always conscious of how easy it would be for him to disappear once again.....completely. I keep everything in because I feel one slip up and life becomes absolutely intolerable . I just want the present to be as enjoyable as the past. No one ever asks me to just vent (with the exception of one) so I don't. And I say the same thing everyday. It's killing me.Eating away at me. Nobody seems to care about the inside just as long as I seem fine on the outside why bother right? People claim they care, but the truth is apparent .<br />I try so hard more than anyone can imagine. To keep up this pretentious facade. I may seem like I just let my emotions run a muck through my words, actions. But really....that's nothing compared to what it could be.Of course though no one sees that. I spend my time tending to everyone's emotional needs ....Who's gonna be there for me ?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-34376379365383938112011-09-04T17:56:00.000-07:002011-09-04T18:13:35.420-07:00Screaming ThreatsI hate my mom, but you should already know that . If it was up to me she'd be long gone . Of course I could be the one to make that happen but alas I'm too much of a pussy. I can't tell you how long I've wanted to see her stupid face crushed under my forever 21 stilettos. How long I've wanted to bash her stupid skull in with a hammer and watch her hemorrhage. I hate her more than anyone. I hate her more than I've ever hated anyone or anything.And no one understands. I crave that scene that's forever playing in my head, in my dreams. People would call that a nightmare I call it a night worth sleeping. When will it end.I ask myself that everyday.She says I'm angry because of so many irrelevant things. You wanna know what I tell her ? I tell her It's you and it's always been you.I tell her I hate her.I tell her that if it was ever up to me she wouldn't be related to me in any way ,shape,or form. Ijust want her to die.
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777932692965382492.post-3668434283760236182011-08-30T16:13:00.000-07:002011-08-30T16:42:16.730-07:00Wasted EffortsSometimes I wish people would have more faith in my .....mental health. I don't really know what else to call it. Sure I'm stressed and have way to many things on my mind, but doesn't everyone else. Sure maybe everyone else doesn't need two shrinks at his/her beckon call, but I'd like to think that adds something interesting ....or weird to the mix. And perhaps not everyone is locked up for "their own good" but come on everyone has a quirk right? Anyway , I feel as if everyone treats me like some kind of bomb that could just explode at anytime. I feel like people should give me more credit. Of course I'm not a pushy person though .....so why do I care so much about this....I know the answer . Because I don't want to disappear on a count of me not being able to "handle" this .I can handle it just fine. I don't resent anyone, I don't blame people that don't deserve it. I'm fine now . Why doesn't anyone see that.
<br />I can do it .....Whatever
<br /><span style="font-size:78%;">
<br />Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.</span>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0