Anything & Everything

There's no point in trying to make it work with someone so stubborn. Went out of my comfort zone of waiting for something to happen on its own.I've been trying,but I'm tired of looking pathetic and stupid. Why deny yourself what you want? I never got that.

Something I've had to build . All this because of a voice in the back of my head convincing me that in the end it will all be worth it.
Anyway, my head is too busy right now and I wish I had something stronger .

Did you know that misusing Prozac causes the deterioration of your stomach liner? Well you do now . That combined with stress out the ass. You wanna know something else? I spent what was suppose to be a twenty minute appointment into a three hour exam.So many goddamn needles and ultrasounds.Waiting for results...... I hate the doctors.Why does "the dear baby jesus" like to torment me just get it over with . aha.
Anyway, Geez both of my shrinks are booked until mid August .Oh well I'll be my own. How do I feel today? I'm not upset or sad (at the moment) then again I'm not content. I wish my head would just stop working for a while. It could just shutdown and I'd be okayy. Yesterday made me happy no beyond happy ..hmm ecstatic maybe? Why because it felt like old times, just two losers .You know what though? Even then I refused to let myself indulge in the present because I was over thinking the future . The future being him distancing from me once again .The roller-coaster man but I'm okay . We're just people at the moment what happens isn't up to me. It's obvious I'm not going to be apart of the decision. So many emotions not even from the kiss.The kiss is irrelevant .Just in general...whatever happens happens

So...Knowledge is power and I plan on hiring a male prostitute .

Why am I constantly on this soap box ? Headphones plugged into my laptop. Itunes on shuffle.No distractions.Just me,My thoughts and whoever gives a damn. I feel as if I'm only ever here to talk about men or a man haha. Have you ever just continuously kept poking at something painful knowing that it wont help.I find myself reliving the past. Becoming obsessed with the unattainable.This is why I deactivated my Facebook.To detach myself from the pain slowly suffocating me .But I've realized I'm just too much of a self-harmer than to let myself heal like normal people.I reopen the wound and pour salt and alcohol in.It's like my mind is a conundrum.I want to hate him.I try so hard to.I figure the more you hate a person the quicker they become nothing but a person.I'm guessing that's his approach, but then again what do I know right ?
I was wrong though.I just can't.I want to hold this grudge and vent to the world about my problems and gain people on my side.Rally against him you know? But I can't.The truth is I don't think I've ever loved him more.Maybe my emotions are all fucked up from these meds that I'm on.Maybe not.I'm this stupid girl.I hate myself right now.I'm constantly beating myself up about how much this crap is consuming me.It's now gained a life of its own. I'm a screw up and sure it's my fault , mine and my unstable state of mind . I'm kinda proud of myself .I didn't pick up the blade in a while.Trust me there have been nights where I just wanted to give up.Thoughts of how my life isn't worth much at the moment.I should be used to being alone.I've spent my whole life without anyone to go to.I think the reason that this is different is because I was just getting warmed up to the fact of having someone that wasn't going to abandon me.Someone who was gonna love me for me ,through what ever.No such thing I guess.
Tears are unavoidable .Both my shrinks are afraid for my health....Did you know there's a legit way of dying of a broken heart.If only I could be so lucky...Jesus doesn't love me enough.The only thing I ever ask of him is to just do me in and I couldn't even get that .Fuck'em

I thought we were getting somewhere.I wanna know what I did .
Anyway knowledge is power....And I need sex uh okayy bye

oh how i love inadvertant cyber conversations.....sarcasm i read too.

All I want is to not be ignored like I'm just some chick he had a fling with.Do I really mean nothing to him.You can't wake up out of love? Well he did apparently.
Maturity is something that one doesn't get from being a new "parental figure" aha stupid people are the best they make my life tolerable . All I ever did was be there for him and this is what I get it .I'm not a toy and refuse to be treated as such.Fuck'em and his life aha I don't need him he'll get what he deserves an ugly fat women and child support checks out the ass .... Me? I'm walking scotch free . He'll understand eventually .I'm the one who's been here ....Regrets are a bitch aren't they ? He'll find out who he has....had .
In case you're reading stop leaving notes on my car shits not cute .You should stop being a little Cunt or "mature" whatever the fuck you "think" you are and say it in person ... Why am I being treated like the one who did something wrong?

I'm tired of the mind games and the uncertainty. My heart isn't a game so unplug your ego. Don't have the patience for people who think it's a game.

So which is it?
Am I happy that I'm finally out of the "let's ignore Kiani" stage or is this reunion adding fuel to the already extinguished fire? After everything I'm willing to settle for just a friendship. It seems like I should be angry,but I'm not .Granted I'm not jumping for joy ,but the pain that still lingers is slowly subsiding . Maybe I'm an idiot for letting the wall just fall based on one conversation.One short and choppy conversation(but a conversation nonetheless). I'm aware that he could drop me at anytime ....he's done it a few times before .
Why is it so easy to just risk my feelings with him ? Perhaps it's the fact that I'm hoping just a tad that this is time that he'll realize that he wants what I want and that he should stop being stubborn. I'm settling for a friendship not to ease my way back into his heart because it'll never be the same and I'll never be the same.And definitely not because I don't think that I could "find" better. I'm settling because I need him in my life regardless of what we are to each other.I don't need to be "Hobbit" ....I've come to terms with the fact that it won't happen ever again.Not because of me...well yes because of me (I can't handle all that's going on ,So I'm told) . Of course it still hurts, but I'm willing to try harder and make it not anymore. He's moved on so why can't I? It's funny to me how I used to be .Not a feeling in my horizon, to this love sick girl that can't even get a text message .It's horrible lol .
My shrink thinks I'm a fortune teller ....not really .But she says I anticipated this to happen even before all of it did .I wrote poems and stories about women who were wrong by men in the SAME exact way ....of course most of them committed suicide haha. That's what she worries about . I assured her that's not going to happen.Why? Because unless something changes with him I'm moving far away (only to Nevada or back to Hawaii) she thinks it's a good idea .So does my mom .Funny How we agree on something that involves me leaving .
Why would I lie obviously I have no problem with leaving.I don't have friends and the one person that I based my future around has a little future of his own and won't miss me in the slightest .Who would miss me right ? It's the only thing keeping me sane knowing that I can start clean completely .
Considering this is kind of long and you're probably sick of crawling through my head I'll spare you until next time.So remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.....I hope this doesn't cost me my privileges of getting text messages back lmao .

It's getting close .Hope we can talk before then..I hate my fucking life .Who's going to care? Not him.

It took me a few days before I could handle seeing what what's been plaguing my mind on the screen of my laptop.It's something about me blogging that makes everything sound permanent....definite.So here goes .This might just be the most honest I've been in all my posts.
I never knew what it felt like to want to die so bad.The intensity is on levels I can't even begin to explain.Granted I've had my moments in life where it's just been unbearable,but NEVER like this.I don't understand how one can be so harsh. "Cut and Dry" .I want you to close your eyes.Now picture the one you love more than anything or one ,picture the person you would kill for,picture the one that you'd do anything for.Now imagine if that person told you to stop talking to them.Imagine that person saying I don't want you or I cant deal nor do I want to deal with you.One last thing ....Imagine that person removed themselves from your life without you having a say.Without you doing anything wrong.
Who is she talking about you ask ? Well he isn't going to read this so .....Alan.
Alan they gu I've been talking about in the majority of my posts.I remember I told myself not to fall for this guy.But I couldn't help it he was so amazing.All my previous experiences with people who I've trusted just to watch them leave....No I'm not talking about other boyfriends.I believed he was going to be different .Who was this guy ? This dread-headed Cutie.I guess you could say the fact that he had a girlfriend when we met should've sparked a thought but I wasn't thinking .I loved him from the start.I still don't know what it was that made us click .He was like the missing piece to my Picasso-themed puzzle was found and it was perfect.
Sorry flashbacks .Now all I do is cry.All I do is wish for something that only one of us wants.I knew I wouldn't be his first priority after his kid was born but I at least wanted a number.To reassure me that I wouldn't be pushed away.Since the day we broke up I regretted it .All I want is to be able to call him my boyfriend again.I don't want some guy to come and mend what was broken I don't even want Alan to do that.Let it remain in piece
The last time I saw him we talked about everything and it felt like old times.There he was my bestfriend smiling in front of me again .Sharing his thoughts.I wasn't planning on us having sex it just happened.If I knew that would be the last time I got to touch him and vice versa I would have savored the moment.We even fell asleep together.He woke up and left.I didn't know that would be the last time I'd see him .....not forever but you know what I mean.
If you truly love someone you wouldn't be able to just give up right? I guess he didn't love me the way that it seemed .I think that's the part that hurts me the most knowing that I'm as disposable as a Styrofoam cup.When my phone vibrates my face gets hot and I just hold my breath wishing that it was Alan.When I hear a car door slam I rush to the window hoping that he's come to see me .I'm so pathetic right?
The easy way out of all of this just keeps looking better and better.What's the point anymore.Just worthless Kiani.The girl that wasn't good enough to work it out.My chest hurts where my heart used to be and I have no one to talk to.My mom just expects me to get over all of this.Alan does to.I can't .I gave him every part of me .I just can't believe it could all be over just like this.I'll give it as much time as it wants to work itself out.I'm just over life .Don't want it anymore.