Anything & Everything

So I was playing my ukulele( making a video) and my finger started to bleed ...damn callous that's when I decided to stop and write.I can't find my journal . Anyway I don't know why I haven't been able to sleep for a while now and I wake up with a migraine 95% of the time. God bless pharmaceuticals.
My boobs hurt too...geez why doesn't my period just come already. This isn't going to be some depressing rant like usual.Well, because I'm not depressed I'm slowly entering the unstable part of okayy. All of a sudden I don't want to talk about it .Maybe later.Bye.

There's no point in trying to make it work with someone so stubborn. Went out of my comfort zone of waiting for something to happen on its own.I've been trying,but I'm tired of looking pathetic and stupid. Why deny yourself what you want? I never got that.

Something I've had to build . All this because of a voice in the back of my head convincing me that in the end it will all be worth it.
Anyway, my head is too busy right now and I wish I had something stronger .

Did you know that misusing Prozac causes the deterioration of your stomach liner? Well you do now . That combined with stress out the ass. You wanna know something else? I spent what was suppose to be a twenty minute appointment into a three hour exam.So many goddamn needles and ultrasounds.Waiting for results...... I hate the doctors.Why does "the dear baby jesus" like to torment me just get it over with . aha.
Anyway, Geez both of my shrinks are booked until mid August .Oh well I'll be my own. How do I feel today? I'm not upset or sad (at the moment) then again I'm not content. I wish my head would just stop working for a while. It could just shutdown and I'd be okayy. Yesterday made me happy no beyond happy ..hmm ecstatic maybe? Why because it felt like old times, just two losers .You know what though? Even then I refused to let myself indulge in the present because I was over thinking the future . The future being him distancing from me once again .The roller-coaster man but I'm okay . We're just people at the moment what happens isn't up to me. It's obvious I'm not going to be apart of the decision. So many emotions not even from the kiss.The kiss is irrelevant .Just in general...whatever happens happens

So...Knowledge is power and I plan on hiring a male prostitute .

Why am I constantly on this soap box ? Headphones plugged into my laptop. Itunes on shuffle.No distractions.Just me,My thoughts and whoever gives a damn. I feel as if I'm only ever here to talk about men or a man haha. Have you ever just continuously kept poking at something painful knowing that it wont help.I find myself reliving the past. Becoming obsessed with the unattainable.This is why I deactivated my Facebook.To detach myself from the pain slowly suffocating me .But I've realized I'm just too much of a self-harmer than to let myself heal like normal people.I reopen the wound and pour salt and alcohol in.It's like my mind is a conundrum.I want to hate him.I try so hard to.I figure the more you hate a person the quicker they become nothing but a person.I'm guessing that's his approach, but then again what do I know right ?
I was wrong though.I just can't.I want to hold this grudge and vent to the world about my problems and gain people on my side.Rally against him you know? But I can't.The truth is I don't think I've ever loved him more.Maybe my emotions are all fucked up from these meds that I'm on.Maybe not.I'm this stupid girl.I hate myself right now.I'm constantly beating myself up about how much this crap is consuming me.It's now gained a life of its own. I'm a screw up and sure it's my fault , mine and my unstable state of mind . I'm kinda proud of myself .I didn't pick up the blade in a while.Trust me there have been nights where I just wanted to give up.Thoughts of how my life isn't worth much at the moment.I should be used to being alone.I've spent my whole life without anyone to go to.I think the reason that this is different is because I was just getting warmed up to the fact of having someone that wasn't going to abandon me.Someone who was gonna love me for me ,through what ever.No such thing I guess.
Tears are unavoidable .Both my shrinks are afraid for my health....Did you know there's a legit way of dying of a broken heart.If only I could be so lucky...Jesus doesn't love me enough.The only thing I ever ask of him is to just do me in and I couldn't even get that .Fuck'em

I thought we were getting somewhere.I wanna know what I did .
Anyway knowledge is power....And I need sex uh okayy bye

oh how i love inadvertant cyber conversations.....sarcasm i read too.