Anything & Everything

Sometimes I wish I had a shoulder to lean on as opposed to depending on myself to keep myself from going off the edge.Complicated already? There have been countless times where I have cried to myself for hours, sure I looked pathetic but what else was there to do? When am I going to get the privilege to just let all of these tied up emotions go.Out of my mouth and into someone's ear that actually gives a damn.I'm always the one to listen to someone's problems or I'm the one that must to maintain this facade for the sake of another's comfort or happiness. What about me? Who do I get? Will I always feel virtually alone? Reality is the one thing that I don't know how I've managed to continue for so long. Honestly, I'm not even sure what keeps me going,......maybe the thought that something will turn out for the best. I just wish someone would tell me that they're proud of me and I'm doing the right thing instead of the mistake few people think I'm making.It's to late to turn back now and I intend to see it to the end.....Question. How are you suppose to love something that is sucking the life out of your relationship,the very reason for your existence( yes twilight shit). Next Question. Can I ? Or will I wait to accept the inevitable and be but a distant memory. Either way I don't win so why make the choice and be unhappy for the remainder of the time we have together.

Is it possible to be happy and apathetic at the same time ? It's like my mind is in a vigorous game of tug of war.I want more than anything to be happy, not just content but genuinely happy.I love my boyfriend I mean isn't it obvious? Have I not proved myself loyal enough yet.He's my everything . The day we met ....well "formally" met I knew our futures would be intertwined from then on out. How? Well because I have a gift of knowing things haha .Anyway he makes me happy regardless of all that's going on but in the long run will that be enough ? Only time will tell I guess. I wish I had a time machine .I wish I could take back every cruel thing I said.Every petty argument ...maybe things would be different.Seems that way.

So once again I'm deemed worthless.Why can't I find someone that loves me and wants me forever .Instead of when it's convenient .Left alone .Nobody cares.I'm such an idiot to think that I finally found someone.Meaningless.My life is meaningless and I'm sick of everything life has to offer.Whenever it's even semi good it never last.My chest is on fire and it feels like I'm suffocating ,tightening its grip until my heart is nothing but dust.The tears are spilling and soaking my blanket.I thought I was right ,that he was my one and only ,that we'd last forever ( I genuinely thought that),that we were meant for each other,that I would never have to give him up.All the planning ,and in his head he probably just laughed at how gullible I was.So foolish to think anyone would want me .Fed into the lies ,so I guess I deserved it.I love you Kiani.You're an amazing girl.You deserve everything.You're beautiful, Kiani.I missed you ,Kiani.I'm in love with you.You're one of my best friends.
The one time I give someone a peak as to what's inside I get taken advantage of.What's wrong with me?No idea what I'm going to do .

So after you cry ,there's nothing left,and you're on a never ending path of self-questioning ,what do you do?
I think I'm one of the few that sit on their derriere and feel sorry for themselves on a daily basis.Don't get me wrong I'm not some dork that just pulls unhappiness out of her ass and mopes.I'm the dork that reopens that bottle of unhappiness and spills it all over herself then I mope. Got it? Good. I guess you can say I bring it upon myself ,but I just can't help it.The most frustrating part about all of it is that I tackle on unnecessary things not thinking about the consequences until it's too late and it's slithering through the crevices of my mind.(pretty descriptive right?) I'm like fucking Macgyver with hormones .I can pretty much find out what ever I want to know.How ? Because I'm awesome. Why? Who knows.What I do know though is that I have absolutely no right to be upset .Why, because everything is my fault and my problem.
Back to the question.
So after you cry and there's nothing left what do you do? HMm ....you sit in silence and wait.Wait for the tears to fall again.

Flustered is the word of the day.That and shitty.Times like this it's so easy to think of all the ways it could end .What you might ask ? I'll leave that to your imagination.2010 was shit and 2011 will be nothing but the same multiplied.It's getting to that point where either that women ,my mother ,or me is going to have to leave permanently because this coexisting shit isn't working for me .So who's going to flip a coin ? You know I called my shrink and she told me to write .Well I'm typing maybe it counts as the same .Either way it isn't working what so ever .I feel like throwing something at her face.Maybe if I'm lucky she'll take a drive and slide into oblivion .Sweet Shit .Ugh I feel like a schizophrenic ,except there isn't a million people talking just one ....Disregard that don't make fun of me .Anyway I hate her ,did I mention I hate her ? NO? Well.....I HATE HER.How the hell do you ruin New Years last year I was having sex ,this year I was in church and got chewed out for no god damn reason.Why yes ,yes I am ranting ,got a problem? Leave ,I don't care all that much.Thank you Emilie Autumn for being here when no one else is .Always.Where are my meds when I need them .An overdose is definitely overdue ....I'm just saying.It seems like everyone is having some kind of fun or is at least happy and then there's me.Stupid Bitch .Stupid Stupid Bitch.You should really consider being nice to the in the guest room ...that one day could be you're very last.Give it some time.I suggest you stop being an asshole and keep quiet.................I insist,It's really in the best interest of everyone................................