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         I was right in assuming that motherhood wasn't for me. I've always known it, I've never been the one to fawn over children. Some women say they were born to me a mother, that when their child was born life was "complete". I wanted so very bad to feel that. To feel that raw emotion that's supposed to intertwine your souls and all that other sappy shit.

        All these years of saying that "I don't feel like normal people" and I've never believed it more than now. I just feel bad . I feel bad for Alan having to deal with me and my "melancholy" . I mean how long can one person stand it. I feel bad for my daughter. She deserves so much better.

         I'll finish this later............ Not up to writing the rest

How I'm feeling ?
      I feel alone. Not in the "I'm doing everything by myself" alone . I don't know how to explain it. I should be stress free, shouldn't I ? Alan is more of a husband than a boyfriend ( not that I'm complaining) . He makes sure I have whatever I need, want. Whatever is in his power he's always willing to just give it to me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. The one thing that I'm suppose to be doing is school... and I'm failing miserably at that. I hate it. I hate how I keep letting people down.     

     My Mom? Ever since I found out I was pregnant we've been closer. Shocking right ? She's like my only friend, her and my sisters. My Mom and I talk everyday now, I actually miss being over there sometimes because I can't stand the silence in this apartment.Now she has a new boyfriend, I like him enough,but I feel like I just got her back. After 18 years I feel like we finally have the relationship that both of us wanted. I'm not ready to let her go , to someone else. Every time she dates someone it's them. THEM. All the time. Instead of everything going slow, it's like you can't catch her without him .
My sisters are always in their own world which is fair enough , we talk enough. It's not like we ever have complex conversations anyway.

     Sometimes I cry out of the blue and blame it on hormones even though I did that before I was pregnant.I'm just so overwhelmed with thoughts . Thoughts from the past , present and the haunting future.  23 weeks and I'm still not ready to be someone's mom. I feel like Leilani deserves better than me .

How many times am I going to be humiliated, shitted on?
     Oddly , I feel no anger, I've come to a point of "what's new?". I'm so used to this fuckery, typical typical fuckery.

  • My rent is slowly creeping up
  • I need to find a new job like ASAP
  • I'm pregnant
and now this......................................
I should've just went to college . Dorm Room, Frat Party College. I wouldn't be dealing with this. I've been trying to see the bright side in all of this , but there's always something............

I'm conflicted. With who I wanna be and who I should be. It's time I made a decision, it isn't fair for everyone involved to be dragged along while I try and figure out what I'm going to do. Somehow I feel as if people are making it easier . Spreading their opinions among 2,3 people. How am I still in the dark while everyone else was given a flashlight. Am I not the key component to this schematic? If not then what the fuck am I still doing here. Instead of having your suspicions about me people should worry about who there friends are.
      When are we finally going to be mature enough to express our feelings with each other instead of with irrelevant people? I've been trying to build this strong relationship that people would envy, but I'm realizing ....what's there to want?
I'm sick of settling, I'm not saying I'm better than anyone , but I deserve better. I don't deserve to be second guessed all the time..... I haven't done anything. Although, there have been times when I have wanted to. I don't like people keeping tabs on me not you, your friend(s), I'm not a child. Seems like you trusted me more back then when all you knew about me was how I liked to be fucked.
     I haven't changed at all. I've been this way since we met. I'm only in a harder exterior, but of course you have yourself to blame for that. I've come to the conclusion after all this time that I love myself more than I love him, and for a while it was the opposite. I'm at a point in my life where if it needs to be done it can be no hard feelings . I won't bother him ever again. If that's what he wants. I'm just tired.

Well, knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle....

People are such bullshit and I hate you all . Go die . Jump off a bridge cliff idgaf. Suck my dick and suffocate on my mandigo . Times ticking . The Bombs gonna blow. The detonator is impossible to reach. Have fun smelling your own fumes. HMm yea


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