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         I was right in assuming that motherhood wasn't for me. I've always known it, I've never been the one to fawn over children. Some women say they were born to me a mother, that when their child was born life was "complete". I wanted so very bad to feel that. To feel that raw emotion that's supposed to intertwine your souls and all that other sappy shit.

        All these years of saying that "I don't feel like normal people" and I've never believed it more than now. I just feel bad . I feel bad for Alan having to deal with me and my "melancholy" . I mean how long can one person stand it. I feel bad for my daughter. She deserves so much better.

         I'll finish this later............ Not up to writing the rest

How I'm feeling ?
      I feel alone. Not in the "I'm doing everything by myself" alone . I don't know how to explain it. I should be stress free, shouldn't I ? Alan is more of a husband than a boyfriend ( not that I'm complaining) . He makes sure I have whatever I need, want. Whatever is in his power he's always willing to just give it to me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. The one thing that I'm suppose to be doing is school... and I'm failing miserably at that. I hate it. I hate how I keep letting people down.     

     My Mom? Ever since I found out I was pregnant we've been closer. Shocking right ? She's like my only friend, her and my sisters. My Mom and I talk everyday now, I actually miss being over there sometimes because I can't stand the silence in this apartment.Now she has a new boyfriend, I like him enough,but I feel like I just got her back. After 18 years I feel like we finally have the relationship that both of us wanted. I'm not ready to let her go , to someone else. Every time she dates someone it's them. THEM. All the time. Instead of everything going slow, it's like you can't catch her without him .
My sisters are always in their own world which is fair enough , we talk enough. It's not like we ever have complex conversations anyway.

     Sometimes I cry out of the blue and blame it on hormones even though I did that before I was pregnant.I'm just so overwhelmed with thoughts . Thoughts from the past , present and the haunting future.  23 weeks and I'm still not ready to be someone's mom. I feel like Leilani deserves better than me .


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