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Sometimes I wish people would have more faith in my .....mental health. I don't really know what else to call it. Sure I'm stressed and have way to many things on my mind, but doesn't everyone else. Sure maybe everyone else doesn't need two shrinks at his/her beckon call, but I'd like to think that adds something interesting ....or weird to the mix. And perhaps not everyone is locked up for "their own good" but come on everyone has a quirk right? Anyway , I feel as if everyone treats me like some kind of bomb that could just explode at anytime. I feel like people should give me more credit. Of course I'm not a pushy person though .....so why do I care so much about this....I know the answer . Because I don't want to disappear on a count of me not being able to "handle" this .I can handle it just fine. I don't resent anyone, I don't blame people that don't deserve it. I'm fine now . Why doesn't anyone see that.
I can do it .....Whatever

Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

People may call me selfish when I say that I'm annoyed on account of my mom's retirement from the Military. With all the deployments and duties I should be as relieved as my mother is. I wish I could share her excitement, but I knew as everyone else in this house knew that things would be changing ...not for the better. You see she ( mom) likes to pretend like we can finally rekindle the flame of closeness that our family once had. Delusional. Is the only word that comes to mind. In no way am I trying to be cruel. It's just the truth and I won't bend it for anyone, not even her. What she doesn't seem to understand is that sure we have taken many vacations to various locations, played a few games of Uno and Monopoly here or there and had a few laughs.But by no means does that even make a family even remotely close.It isn't a factor. I'm not asking for a white picket fence family, or those sitcom families where it all just gels together I just want a functional family.

I spend most of my time in my room because I prefer the silence then the chaos that welcomes me when I open my door.Our family is a group of nomad for lack of better word ( I really gotta get a new thesaurus) everyone for themselves.

My mom, because of her occupation, has spent alot of time away from us ( my siblings and I).If anyone has the slightest sign of "bond" it's us .We've had to build this immunity to missing our mom ...together.I guess she's trying to make up for the time she hasn't been there.I think in truth she realizes that we can now fend for ourselves.We don't need nor do we crave that maternal grasp we once hoped for . We've become accustomed to doing what we want and I think it's a little too late to try and scramble up some sort of relationship...

I don't know I'm rambling so I'll stop ...Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

I don't know what I was thinking. I could just replace him...It worked for a few days. It was like my fantasy land. My Disneyland. Me, the princess of the park *yeah I have issues with my analogies, thats not the point* Anyway, maybe it was because of who this person was that gave me a sense of security . A tie(no matter how mangled the rope was) to the past that I so desperately clung to. When will this torment end? When will I have a piece of mind?
Why I kept this a secret? Because I knew the trouble it would've caused.Then again maybe it wouldn't matter . He doesn't seem that interested in me nowadays anyway. Also I didn't know what was going on and if it was anything to begin with .I guess I kept it a secret because I thought I could have both. I thought that .....when he didn't come through I had a backup .....I'm not talking about sex. Sex is irrelevant. I'm talking about having that close feeling. That familiar feeling.
All of that changed. When? I honestly do not know nor can I remember .I just know there was a split second where I realized what I was doing and ran the opposite way...Geez I don't make sense.
I miss my old life...Maybe I wouldn't miss it if....never mind it's never going to happen again.I got it .I feel like every time I'm all out of things to say I have a new post unraveling in front of me.Such as this one.

Staring at my only escape and it never looked so.......enticing

So remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

I hate people. I hate fat people.People that are up my ass all day.People that tell me what to do.Who to talk to.Who/what to listen to .People that think they're better than me. People that think they're all the more wiser because they're older.People that try and intimidate me (it doesn't work) . People who lie . And anyone else who makes me mad . I want everyone to just leave me alone .I don't bother anyone. Why? Because I don't want to be bothered. Once again I'm not asking for much just my privacy. Goddamn you would think I was asking for a million dollars. Apparently, no one likes to see me happy. You know what you all deserve.....to die? Die slowly while I watch. If you're lucky it won't be me who delivers it, cause I have a few ideas for a few of you ......that's it.

So apparently (according to my mother)

  • My make-up makes me look like a whore
  • I'm depressed for no reason
  • .....and I need to get over it
  • I'm an angry person because there's something deep down in me that I regret
  • I only get excited about life when I have plans....with friends
  • .....
  • and there are so many things wrong with me, but I still think I'm better than everyone .
SO class, let us address these statements . My face is my face .You may not waste your time covering up your splotchy face, but I take pride in how I look. Don't be jealous you can't pull it off. Next, I'm always depressed I have a reason to be. I don't bother you .I don't come crying to you. I don't even see you , but twice in a day.and bitch you get the fuck over it.Suck my dick while your at it.Third, Sure I'm angry but in no way does it affect you nor should you want it too. I hold in so much ,bite my tongue as much as I can . The only thing deep down is me pondering why am I so scared to do ...... I'll let your mind run with that. I don't like spending time with you in any form.No that will not change so get over it . Excuse me for enjoying the company that doesn't make me want to spit on them every time they talk. Lastly, thank you for again putting words in my mouth. If anyone thinks too much of themselves it's you . You think that everything you tell me is like god himself. Fuck you and him ....The End

I'm tired of everything . I'm tired of my mom . Tired of these feelings that will never be satisfied. I'm tired of feeling like nothing is ever going to get better.I'm tired of the stress.Tired of the uncertainty.When is it all going to get better. I don't ask for much. The bare minimum maybe.But am I not entitled to to that? I just want to have a day where nothings perfect, but nothings wrong.
I wanna be happy.Alone or not.

I have a headache so I don't feel like writing . Um and I'm downloading music (not that you care) . So uh laptop it is.

I'm waiting for the day when I wake up content at the very least. Maybe I'm just not one that will ever be uhm happy .Although, I know it's possible ...well you know. It's like a what now phase. I'm noticing that I'm a little on edge I don't know if I should blame it on the Prozac I've been taking irregularly. My temper is very short...shorter then usual.I just wanna hurt someone .My head just isn't where it should be .So much suppressed anger,frustration,sadness. I just want someone to feel the way I do.So cliche' right? It's like gee this is what I have shrinks for right? Wrong, there are certain things you just don't tell people. Some thoughts are meant to be kept private forever. If I tell someone it's like an automatic trip to another loony bin that I refuse to go to. You'd have to sedate me to get me there again. So what do I do? It's eating away at me. It's like there are these violent thoughts.Then they're these depressing thoughts that consume my whole day.Like why the hell am I like this . I just wanna be normal. I've never said that in my whole life ,but I can't take it. People say you're being dramatic .You don't have to think about that .You don't have to act that way .It's not some switch you can turn off .It's just there.Like a disease...well it is a disease but ..I don't know you know what I mean .Then again maybe you don't. I just want to tell someone what going on without being judged .Without being sent somewhere ....Anyway I know I'm asking for too much and no one gives a fuck all that much about me so whatever.I'll deal how I've been dealing .
HMm knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

He's already thinking about someone else . Pushed aside for someone else.Guess I was too much of a burden. Guess he just wants to start over. Maybe I should too ? Not now . Whatever . I knew this was going to happen . It's like one step forward five thousand back .There isn't really much to say . My words don't matter . I'm tired of it all . This is why I don't try.This is why I don't trust people.This is why I don't like being social.This is why I said fuck love. Love means nothing.Love is nothing but an over-rated word .Forever doesn't exist.This is why I hate opening up.You give everything in you just to not be appreciated and virtually spit on.That's a piece of my heart I'll never get back .
I regret that night .I regret January 2,2010 .I regret sneaking out .I regret those nights that followed.I regret going against PCP code.I regret saying I love you.I regret letting myself believe.I regret the tears I've spent through this relationship.I regret forgiving you for that kiss.I regret meeting you.

I regret January 23,2010

You become this vulnerable bitter person. Yet again I was right . So again I say fuck men. Fuck people.Trust no one.It all comes down to no one giving a fuck about you but you .Remember that.
One more year of school then I can just completely disappear . I can't even get though summer without almost losing it .Whatever . Goodbye.

So I was playing my ukulele( making a video) and my finger started to bleed ...damn callous that's when I decided to stop and write.I can't find my journal . Anyway I don't know why I haven't been able to sleep for a while now and I wake up with a migraine 95% of the time. God bless pharmaceuticals.
My boobs hurt too...geez why doesn't my period just come already. This isn't going to be some depressing rant like usual.Well, because I'm not depressed I'm slowly entering the unstable part of okayy. All of a sudden I don't want to talk about it .Maybe later.Bye.

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