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Flustered is the word of the day.That and shitty.Times like this it's so easy to think of all the ways it could end .What you might ask ? I'll leave that to your imagination.2010 was shit and 2011 will be nothing but the same multiplied.It's getting to that point where either that women ,my mother ,or me is going to have to leave permanently because this coexisting shit isn't working for me .So who's going to flip a coin ? You know I called my shrink and she told me to write .Well I'm typing maybe it counts as the same .Either way it isn't working what so ever .I feel like throwing something at her face.Maybe if I'm lucky she'll take a drive and slide into oblivion .Sweet Shit .Ugh I feel like a schizophrenic ,except there isn't a million people talking just one ....Disregard that don't make fun of me .Anyway I hate her ,did I mention I hate her ? NO? Well.....I HATE HER.How the hell do you ruin New Years last year I was having sex ,this year I was in church and got chewed out for no god damn reason.Why yes ,yes I am ranting ,got a problem? Leave ,I don't care all that much.Thank you Emilie Autumn for being here when no one else is .Always.Where are my meds when I need them .An overdose is definitely overdue ....I'm just saying.It seems like everyone is having some kind of fun or is at least happy and then there's me.Stupid Bitch .Stupid Stupid Bitch.You should really consider being nice to the in the guest room ...that one day could be you're very last.Give it some time.I suggest you stop being an asshole and keep quiet.................I insist,It's really in the best interest of everyone................................

Every year my nagging mother gathers the household to talk about resolutions,goals for the new year.And every year she gets the same answer from me ."I don't have any.I go day by day otherwise I'm overwhelmed ."However, does she care? Not in the slightest .I tell her I'm probably going to go to tcc and she yells at me ,but when I ask her to stop being mad she insist on her happiness being over the moon.It will soon end .All of it.....No I'm not going to kill myself ...yet...scared? Anyway enough yanking your chain.I understand that everyone wants to get out of their house and what not.Unfortunately,this is a necessary want so necessary that it's barely a want but dire need.Why? Simple.My partial sanity depends on it.
Once again I'm being dragged to church .Fucking church !On New Years .What the fuck! Excuse me for my excessive use of profanity're welcome to leave.So while I have to read every status on Facebook ,all written by ungrateful children that can't find "what the fucks up with today"
Oh and let's not forget the ever famous."Tryna get fucked up "
"were da hoes"etc .All I'm asking is to be treated like I have an opinion instead of being dragged places.When people ask me ,"Kiani ,what did you do?" All I can do is put my head down and pretend to be deaf.I just want to leave this house .Leave her....To do what ? NO clue ,but I know I won't find it here .February 28,2012 .So close and yet entirely too far.

Anyway knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

As uneventful as this day was it started off to be one of those days where nothings perfect but everthings good.The little moments that kept reminding me why my boyfriend and I are together and still not sick of each other.Kisses with laughter in between .Yes.Sweet shit .
It seems that every time we get to the climax of our "Us Time" someone is always there to add a we.No one cares .Inconsiderate bitches(yes guys are included).Waiting for an hour ...MY HOUR on irrelevant people to clean bathrooms and bedrooms.Packing his two-door Pontiac with a horny couple and the giant cousins.Dragging them to the mall while I lose every sense of my shopping nature,and leave empty handed.Feeling like i'm imposing on my boyfriend's brother's house, when really it's every person that isn't me or my boyfriend that is invading their place of rest.Meeting...No I'm sorry glancing at two of the ugliest chicks I've seen in quite some time .Hippos and Rainbow bitches were definitely among us .And then listened to them talk shit .Disrespect .I had about all the singing I could take listening to them belt out of key notes.Smelling smoke this way and that .Getting home past curfew and my mother thinks I'm grown .Women go hang yourself by your rosary .So..Through the tears I figured I might as well deliver the last blow of insanity and repeat everything .Putting them to words.
Sorry no ending phrase I'm not in the mood.So Yeah.

It seems like everyone and their mom is pregnant .I was on Facebook and all I saw was ultra-sound pictures and what not .Like I know god doesn’t like me ,but why torture me like that.It’s not even jealousy it’s just…Confusion ,and maybe it’s just me but……Virginia beach has so many “baby mommas” that we should own friggin 16 and pregnant…I’m just saying .Scrolling down the of a picture and the questions are all the same.

What are  you having?


Who’s is it ?


You know what ?

FML and yours too

That is all .Remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

2010 has been the year of Love basically,but of course everything has a price .

What I lost
  • My room
  • PCP life
  • The whorish persona :0
  • My Ipod
  • My mind
  • A necklace

What I gained
  • necklace
  • ring
  • a trip to the looney bin
  • new therapist
  • crappy guest room
  • a journal full of poems
  • 1/4 of Forever 21
  • Flip Camera
  • Coolpix Nikon Camera
  • Emilie Autumn & Nicki Minaj crush
  • the nickname 3 feet and girlfriend
  • The real meaning of love
  • Irrelevant knowledge on Lil Wayne
  • Being in love
  • My Boyfriend and future husband,Alan ...knock on wood
  • ............Semi-Happiness perhaps?

You wanna say you've changed over the year.You're a new person .That all of a sudden everything is petty and you're onto bigger and better things .Truth is you're walking right back into the cycle of bitchy girls and horny're welcoming it without the slightest of hesitation .The over-rated high school scene.The Anticipation that takes a downward spiral to frustration .Aggravation.Stop lying to yourself dammit ,you know you'll always be the same .I'm just saying

I’m not a big fan of socializing only because making new friends eventually involves sharing my life and all of its mishaps .Not saying it’s horrible.I mean I have a nice house,beautiful car,I’m not fat ,A boyfriend ……which is messy in itself ,but overall more of a blessing then a curse.But having to talk about what’s going on with me and everything now would be like picking at semi-healing scabs and making them bleed (Gross.Yeah I got it).So I rather not .I enjoy pretending like nothings wrong and everything is right in the world ,I have the perfect life .Deny.Deny.Deny.and all will be forgotten (temporarily).

So yeah knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

At an unruly hour, destiny found its way

Everything an accident, but coming together as a purpose

I put my life in a total stranger’s possession

Risking trouble to feed my addiction, obsession

Every feeling dormant, “just business” I supposed

The first kiss was nothing, my eyes weren’t closed

Those few hours spent in that confined place, bliss

When over I knew ever everything. I didn’t need words to assist

At that moment you were mine and I wanted to be yours

I tried my best to make it easy and unlocked every door

To my soul. To my heart .you didn’t know where to start

So I took your hand and on this mission we embarked

That cold month so warm mixed with fiery passion

Breaking every rule not caring what happened

New feelings emerged tearing down my walls

A warning to china eventually everything falls

All that matters is who’s there to pick it up

You were there and thankfully strong enough

The words were now fluid flowing off of my tongue

Dripping into your ears, mixing our hearts into one

Then you took the bet and put it all in

My breath a frenzy of pants, couldn’t keep it even

With everything perfect I guess karma had to intervene

You went back to her a déjà vu scene

Not once or twice, but the third time’s the charm

If I didn’t have to know it really wouldn’t of did any harm

I thought I was pretty and I thought that you loved me

I thought that there was no girl that could ever touch me

Alas my security stomped on and buried

You picked up the remainder and tried to carry

So many problems .I can foreshadow that day

No longer capable, you’ll drop me and walk away

You know ,I sit and think about past days and put two and two together and it makes sense.Maybe not completely ,but it does.I sit and think about my life and how it's changed ,for the better then the worse.Then,I laugh at how I've contradicted myself in every way possible.I'm the kind of girl that I despise and yet I can't do anything but laugh .Sometimes when I'm just sitting somewhere I have a full on laugh attack and look like the craziest chick ever .I'm being stupid and silly .LoveSick and "not mature".But all of it somehow just doesn't matter to me ,I know despite every shitty thing going on I'm suppose to be with him.It's been like that since we met .Unfortunately ,I don't know if he feels the same way anymore ...and that's slowly tearing me apart .Mentally ,I'm a wreck .The thoughts are back and they're even more intense .My mind is never a pleasant place to be in,it throbs with everlasting resentment .Physically ,I don't sleep right.Every morning it's 4:15 and I'm up with a headache .My hairs falling out like I have a condition ...which I don't.There's no one to talk to .My best friend is great to talk to when she actually wants to listen.It wasn't until all this happened that I realized my real best friend has been him ,and for months I've been taking advantage of it.What do you do when you want to tell everything to the person in the middle of it.I hate it that everyone acts as if nothings wrong .Like we're still the perfect pair and what not.The senseless jokes.I hate not knowing what's going to happen with all of this.I want to trust him with my heart again ,I wanna forget about every argument we've ever had and the crap going on now.I'd like to know if what we had planned for us is still going to happen or are you slowly going to cut me out of your life until all I am is a distant memory. I just don't know how.I've never had a problem with trust ,it's when you lose it that's when I become the bitter Kiani everyone knows and comes to loathe.All this and I feel like the ignorance surrounding everything.Ignorance is never bliss my friend .Mm I think that's it for now so Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle .

January 4,2010
So poppycock with Alan.I thought he didn't want to ,but he text me .He asked "Do you just want to fuck or did you want me?" at first I got pissed because I thought he was going to pawn me off to that guy I met Saturday ,but once again I'm wrong.I guess he wanted to know if he was being used ...who knows.I told him I just chose him.Geoffrey and Charnise ,I'm so sorry ,but I want his tongue.Gee was texting me .He want to know if I can still chill with him today.Gotta tell him no because Alan is what I want today haha.In drivers ed I have a feeling ____ is going to turn gay .The hair .The sweaters.He actually matches without matching guys can't do that.Edwin broke up with Christina AGAIN ! Like honestly I don't even know if you can call that a year.But they don't need to go back out it's annoying.
January 5,2010
I fucked Alan yesterday .It was so good three trojans .Rachel was there haha.I thought it was going to be like an hour it was longer ,that's whats up.Best Head Ever.He told me I was the best he ever had ,that's whats up .But Alan is my "Dro", my own Tylenol.It's amazing like I wanted to fuck'em as soon as he left .Amazing dicks of the world.I have to wait until fucking Thursday.Thursday! WTF
Alan Alan Alan
Alan Alan Alan
Tongue.Piercing .Voice (white boy voice)hair.Body.eyes .love his face.I find it nice to look at.He makes me smile.Damn no Kiani no feelings.He has a Gf
January 7,2010
I fucking hate this school,my life,his life ,and her life .Ms.McGee is a bitch .PMS.PMS.PMS.You can kiss my ass.Ms Ripoll better ,not high strung and pretty chill.Mr.Johnson is an ass .Just give me a damn pass so I can go.Stop being difficult.U'm ready to shoot someone in the face .I'm tired .Brandon and Duke texted me .I don't want to talk to Duke and Brandon is becoming more of an asshole each text.Alan has yet to text me though and it's eleven.You said ten.Ugh he needs to appear on my phone
January 11,2010
No school today because I'm just a horrible student .Why won't he text me .I wanna fuck today...I have feelings for him sure but he can't know that.I mean he might know ,but he doesn't have a spoken word ._________
January 12 2010
In P.E well I was then Matt came over so I closed it quickly .But yeah evidently Rachel was right me and Alan are like the perfect match..well we are :) So let's start from the beginning he was texting me while in class (study)I don't know.But I was like you should come over .So we settled on eleven.I had like the weirdest feeling that papa knew my plans so he tried to stay up.So I was getting frustrated ,but he "gave up"at like 11:45 haha success ! So Alan came over and was nervous at first about going up the stairs.,but we got in and I turned on the music and we were making out then he ate me out ...yum btw.We fucked on my bed .Then the floor .I like kissing him ,turns out he likes my weirdness...and my boobs (he thinks they're cute).So we just sat close to each other and talked about .His girlfriend and his "philosophy" on cheating (it makes sense believe it or not) and why he doesn't care.Like neither one us want to have sex just cuddle and talk (spoon?) if you will.He told me I was the best and my ______ was amazing .That he thinks about me at work.I'm growing on him did you know that?I told him I liked his face and his Wayne impersonations .I love everything about him.His Chillness .Like I haven't felt this way about anyone since Randy.Except I feel something more.I know .I know bullshit .I know .But I can't help it.He told me he doesn't get me ,to be honest I don't get myself ,but then again isn't that how everyone sees themselves?He kissed me on the way out ,whenall i was expecting was a hug...HMm write more later I need to think a little.
January 13 ,2010
So my day starts with Alan of course .I woke up because I've been sleeping alot thanks to our previous morning together.He called me and we talked for like an hour about us and my feelings .Him debating us and some other chick .
I hate math I got a detention for not doing my homework .Bitch you can use that shit as a pad because I'm not going.
January 14,2010
When will it end?
January 17,2010
So I'm officially smitten with Alan .Yes I said smitten.Like yesterday he slept over and it felt good.No more than good it felt right ,perfect ,like this is who I wanna be with .Anyway prego is gone and the other chick was _____.So I'm pretty much going against myself.He thinks about me ,Rachel is possibly jealous because she told me to cool it with him's not going to happen.
January 18,2010
I got to see Alan this morning .He make me smile .He came her at like 7 and left at 9:30.I was so happy he kept saying "I missed you" and stuff.Tyelane was at his brother's house.I told him to delete my number yesterday because everyone is trying to ruin us and there isn't even an us to ruin yet .
January 25,2010
So finally back in school .Feels weird.No Alan today.Work and Class :( ,but anyway let's catch up

  1. Alan is my boyfriend
  2. Brandon stopped texting me after he found out..surprise
  3. "One Time " has been trying to chill lately
  4. Rachel got Alan to tell Tyelane about her not wanting to fuck

I hate being asked what I want .Why? Well because it's never anything materialistic ,nothing tangible .What I want is to be wanted ,like seriously.I probably sound pathetic ,but I don't really give a shit I just want to be appreciated .
What I want is to be loved .I want people to think that it’s a privilege to have me and feel punished when I leave .I want people to stop me and say how beautiful I am if that’s even what I am.I want to be someone worth monogamy, worth the satisfaction that I’m their other half. I want to be able to content who ever I’m with. I want someone that truly has eyes for me and only me. I want someone who pays no attention to the gorgeous girl that walks in and doesn’t wish I was her. Someone that can’t take their eyes off of me. To tell me that, “If he isn’t treating you right I promise I will” and actually mean it. I want to be seen as priceless, the girl that people are only with in their dreams. I want to have everything over the “other girl” .I want to be enough .Enough so that other distractions aren't needed.I'll admit I'm not the most interesting person you'll ever meet ,I'm pretty sure I'm a pretty bland person ...or so I've been told.Someone that doesn’t see me as an easy pass,but sees me as …I don’t even know. I want to be entangled in someone’s arms and know for a fact that he’s only thinking of me. I want my advice to reach someone’s temporal lobe and stay there. What I want is to be important enough to change for the better .Never asked to change your very being just change what you should’ve already changed. I want the tears to halt at the rims of eyes and to not have to worry about any unnecessary events. When is there going to be a time when someone finally sees that I’m worth it and I deserve it .I want people to be honest with me. If you’re my friend act like it don’t try to worsen the situation. I want to be worth not having a single interruptions when we’re alone .Can I at least get that. I want to feel like I’m more important than you’re friends even if it’s just for a night. I want to be able to go to sleep now with out a doubt in my mind as to what you’re doing and who you’re with. I want to counted as at least pretty when I’m with my friends not a “disappointment”. I want the apologies to stop because I realize they don’t mean a thing. Who knows? Who knows that I like being kissed on the forehead because it makes me feel all tingly .Or that I look in the mirror everyday for at least 20 minutes straight wishing that something would miraculously change. Who knows that I write about everything that I go through everyday even if it’s that I tied my shoe? When I close my eyes for a minute I open them and want to cry even if there isn’t anything wrong that very second. Who knows that when I pass a cemetery I hold my breath because I feel as if it shortens your life. Who knows that I keep my nails long for the simple fact that it draws attention away from my face. Or that deep down I’m a sucker for love and my feelings are never-ending ?Who knows that I hate when people assume I'm twelve and that it makes me want to light something on fire?.....Guess that's it another emotional splurge just for you.Remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

Why must people take things that aren't theirs .I don't give a damn how less fortunate you are,if you don't like me ,if you wanted "nice things" I don't care.I won't say i'm an all around good person ,but I would never steal from anyone .Oh how I wish we lived in the time of the people of Mesopotamia .Their law...a very effective one, is the code of Hammurabi.It's really just a sadistic type of karma .Those who steal have their fingers sliced off.Yeah that's what I'd like to do to whoever stole my ipod.I hope who ever she is dies a slow and painful death.It isn't that serious Kiani.Not that serious ? Well let's see being that I'm off my meds I don't have the luxury of drowning out these twisted thoughts.I don't see my Shrink every week anymore because she thinks I'm "progressing" everyother week just isn't helping btw.So basically my ipod was the only thing that could calm me down and pull me back from snapping on some poor innocent person.So now what? What do I do?

Why does it feel like I'm always being over shadowed .When I'm alone it's easier to stand out ,but when I'm accompanied by my sister it's always Kiani who? I don't despise my sister ,it's not her fault she has a nice face and an overly annoying personality that no one can resist.I mean sometimes I feel like I should have been born second to her then I wouldn't be harboring these feelings of envy.The pangs of jealousy whenever someone points to her to be the oldest or she's approached by some guy and she hints that I'm the oldest .Oh the Kodak moments when their faces drop every last one of them .It would be quite funny if it didn't hurt as bad.It's like everyday she comes home with a different story "some guy hit on me and it was gross " .Woe is fucking you .That's like saying you own Disney Land but you never have anything to do.It doesn't make sense.For once I'd like someone to just ...I don't know another time.Another Entry.Remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle .

I expect to be forgotten ,but completely ? Am I so irrelevant that my existence has seized to exists .Not trying to be confusing just trying to figure it out.The thoughts that should be gone.What could've been ? Was it really me ? Questions that still linger.I guess jealousy struck when I saw my bestfriend achieve what we both wanted from what seemed like forever ago.I'm happy for her you know.Maybe I'm just ranting .I guess we both had our chance (more than once).I just didn't know what to do when it presented itself to me .....and she did .

I hate when people tell me to be social.It's not that I can't ,it's just that I rather not.I'm really okayy with taking a walk by myself or sitting on a swing with nothing but my ipod on shuffle, volume louder than it should ever be.I don't know I used to want to be accepted by everyone .The wannabe.....that was me and I'm not ashamed to admit it.Do whatever to please someone in hopes of getting somewhere .Ambition if you will.Never really fitted in and I still don't .Maybe just maybe I'd find a few people that I would blend with well ,but eventually (unfortunately ) they would disappear feeling like nothing but a figment of my bizarre imagination.Then I'm stuck not physically ,but socially.Stuck not belonging to any specific posse .
Never wanted to be well known ,just known . Now that I think about it I never really got that and that was actually the only thing I wanted at the time.I actually make myself laugh thinking about my need to be accepted .Pretty soon people started to notice me but for the wrong reasons .Yeah I have to admit I brought that onto myself so I can't really get mad at the outcome.Sure it's cooling down ,but the simmering will last for a while .Finally backing away from my semi tarnished "reputation" if you can even call it a reputation I just started to not care .I didn't care about having friends in school or out.I didn't care if someone didn't say hey to my in the halls of insanity.I didn't care if I was missing some friendly get together ( not like I was invited to every one of them anyway ).I didn't care if so-called "bestfriends" kept me updated anymore.I was and still am over it.My therapist said I was putting up a wall to keep out the hurt .She tried to convince me of my own feelings ? I'm no dumbass I know what I feel .Truth is the wall was built to prevent stress.I just wanna finish school , be done ,and move on to a more interesting phase of life.I don't like when people tell me I'm gonna regret not enhancing my high school years with "activities ". You might be right ,but right now ,right here I DON'T CARE ! Don't give two fucks.Los Siento' .I'm fully content with being an introvert ,that's how I like it .Silent days and Silent nights .Maybe when I'm older I'll be motivated to "get involved" but until then fuck it.
Anyway thanks for reading this long ass post and remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle .

Get your nose out of my shit unless you plan on kissing my ass -Kiani-
Honestly the comments are unnecessary ,don't try to talk shit .Keep your mouth shut .Open your fucking eyes .If I'm telling you something ,that's what it is ,don't try to flip it .Don't give a fuck what you think you saw .Bottom Line. Get a life and stop trying to ruin mine. That's It :)

Now remember .Knowledge is power .....SO YOU JUST LOST !!! .....and not knowing is just half the battle . :)

I saw something that reminded me of then.....him,us. The debate in my mind .Do I care? I can honestly say no . Did it bother me ? Sure ,that used to be mine.Not hers.Did I want to gain possession of that once more? No.Absolutely not .No regrets .Reminisce? A little ,but when I returned to the present I realized it was so much bigger, more important then my past.Our past .

My scars never cared what I said they,never wanted an apology.Never needed an explanation.Never needed time.Never needed consulting .Never kept me up at night wondering . .Scars don't talk.Exactly my point they were just there .When I let my razor pull against my skin ,grazing my veins .Everything was fine again .No headaches.No stress.No disagreements.No lingering arguments.Just peace,a beautiful thing.Until I abandoned my metallic ally .Now everything that I was able to avoid is suddenly flooding my life.Feelings are hurt.Non-stop apologies.Half-Ass explanations.Sleepless nights.Unwanted Opinions.Interludes.Chain of Unhappiness caused by a minor thought spoken aloud .All this uncertainty is killing me .It's making me want to throw in the towel and proclaim that this game is over by forfeit.

You ever just feel like something is off .That lump that's camping out in your throat .The feeling like someone is dropping bombs down your esophagus and into your stomach.Feeling like you're gonna puke every five seconds .Anxiety reaches an unbelievable height. The ironic thing is you know you didn't do a thing and yet you feel so guilty.Your body opposite your mind.An Oxymoron without words.What the hell do you do?

My mind is racing with thoughts about the thoughts that I could be having ,but can't . .It's nothing ,but it's everything .I don't know if I should be worried or if I should file it away in my who cares cabinet .I hate this feeling it never makes sense.Nowadays my head never makes sense it's like my bed messy and disorganized .

I was right , a few people were right actually .Who would've guessed that the one thing that made me and my life somewhat pleasant is the one part of my life at the moment that isn't where I want it to be .Why must we bring up irrelevant things ? Is it because you enjoy listening to me scream ? Enjoy me being a bitch ? Do you find it sexy? haha .Whatever it is is wrecking everything.Just when I thought things were gonna go back to normal it turns 180. And for what? SEX ,really find a hobby and go knit me a sweater .I think you like conflict.I'm sorry was our relationship too boring for you? Needed a little something to respark your interest,terribly sorry I'm miserable Annie.....anyway .You said something that hurt my feelings I'm just a little better at hiding them than you are (score one for Kiani).It doesn't make since you bring up a past lifestyle that I HAVEN'T went back to since you.Yes I could've you know that so stop playing the victim when I state the obvious .No second thoughts? Mhm sure there wouldn't be any if this is how it's gonna be for now on.I can't handle it.You try to make me look like the bad guy running to your friends.Why the hell do I have to hear what you've been saying through my bestfriend ? You say you have bigger things to worry about ,then why are you searching to find something wrong.I'm not getting in the way of your plans .It's you and .....I don't even know .Insecurity ? Maybe who knows .If I wanted this I could've dated someone my own age honestly,which I don't do for this same reason .You're the one that was so sure about us being together for a while .Why are you wrecking it?

So Angelina, aka the bandwagon bitch is causing so many unnecessary problems on Jersey Shore .Like you know you've failed at life when you get Pauly D mad .The fuck are you smacking people for? I think that she's jealous that he doesn't want her .Next ! Snookie....all I have to say is I would go gayalltheway for her.I'm waiting though for the fight with JWoww and Sammie ,we know who's gonna win but still .I'd be scared to fight her let's face it that swing at Mike would've made me cry to my mom.If I was Angelina I would be taking that threat very seriously and keep both of my eyes open.Ronnie is just cosloppugus ,pick one douche juice you're either single or in a relationship .....and he can't dance.Vinny .........why much you be of such irrelevance .DO SOMETHING ! Anyway knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

If it hurts put a band-aid on it don't let it sit there
Meaning if you have a problem resolve it before it gets worse don't just keep bringing it up.I'm not one to apologize because I feel I do no wrong.I say whatever strikes my temporal lobe, (for you illiterate people it's the part of your brain that controls your speech) and if that means someone gets offended then that's okayy because I know where my intentions are.I don't enjoy confrontation it's petty and a waste of time and because it makes me break out horribly (really it does) .I've never had to filter what I've said before and I'm not going to start now's just not who I am .I don't really go to people and blab about my business, well it's my fucking business I don't need people in my shit .I'm not going to ride anyone's emotional rollercoaster ,I don't even ride rollercoasters dammit .Now that I told you what I'm not going to do heres what I will do .I will have the last laugh,word,what ever the fuck I want for that matter.I will continue to say what I want .Last but not lease I will NOT pretend like I have sympathy for anyone because frankly I don't.No one has ever given me sympathy or apathy and I give what I get that's it.Anyway knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle .

Recently I've been feeling different ,about nothing in particular but then about everything .Somethings been off , or someone maybe even a combination of the two .I've been torn between what I know and what I'm completely new to .I mean do I go back to what I'm familiar too or stay and face the unknown ?Go back to knowing when ,where ,and how things were gonna happen or stick to the go with the flow and whatever happens ,happens? Right now my decisions aren't or maybe can't be based on me alone.I have to put other peoples' feelings and time in consideration ,and it's hard beyond hard actually .At the end of the day I just wanna be happy,content with what I'm doing with my life .

As if a six hour trip isn't enough for this women to have her precious "family time" . Like I really wanna get her some friends since a boyfriend Is out of the question .She made everyone take walk with her . WHAT THE FUCK go get a life .I didn't want to go just for the simple fact that I don't have anything to talk about with her or anyone for that matter .Then she tried to scare me with "don't ask me to go anywhere with anyone" .Are you freaking kidding me ? Where do I ask to go bitch ?You're trying to scare me with not hanging out with anyone .She should feel beyond stupid ! Why ? Because i'm always in the damn house .ALL THE DAMN TIME! This of course is the reason why i wasn't excited to get my license because I know she would find any and every excuse to take away my invisible freedom . Whatever . It's been too long since I've seen my therapist and it shows . Anyway knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle .

I hate it when my mom drags me to one of her little get togethers .like I have no reason to be here .the one lie I get all the time "well only stay for 45 minute" bitch we've been sitting here for like an hour I'm so fucking bored grr fuck my life and yours too . Okayy i'm finished just had to vent.

So I watched the BET awards and it was good ,even if they do get worse every year.They had the tribute to Michael Jackson and(Yeah one of the Jackson brothers, Tito or whichever one it was stood at the podium and talked about his brother Get off the stage your 25 minutes of fame are over). Chris Brown was singing it.Shocker! Big Whoop. .....Anyway he was doing amazing like I love watching him dance it's phenomenal,but then all of a sudden he started crying .Like what the hell? Did you forget that this man died last year.LAST YEAR not this year.All of a sudden you got the freaking memo that Mr. Thriller is 6 feet deep now ?Come on Chris get off of the stupid juice.Like he sang everything and got to "Man in the Mirror" and broke down into ridiculous sobs.Also on the 25 everyone on Twitter,Facebook,etc was all RIP MJ and what not .It was like Christmas,you know how you hang up those decorations for one day out of the year?What the fuck is that about?We don't know.So yeah knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle

So let me start out by saying this is not about some toilet paper awareness group alright. Personally ,I could care less what you wipe your ass with.....just saying.Less is more is something everyone should consider .I went to the movies (Toy Story 3) and beach today right? The movie was awesome saw it in 3D ,got to keep the shades and everything .The first one was still the best though.Then the beach .Girls and their cellulite shorts .I mean I understand that it's hot but be considerate of society (and their eyes)and cover up what's meant to be suctioned out.....sorry.You could be the prettiest girl at the beach or anywhere else for that matter ,but no one would notice because of what you're wearing.Come on we already have thunder storms we don't need thunder thighs.Guys,yelling compliments at someone may not always be the best thing especially if you look like Chubaka's cousin.However,what you should you do is gently(and quietly) introduce yourself in a civilized manner .Look at that your success rate just went up 30% haha.
Now remember kids knowledge is power and not is just half the battle.

Why I've been excited for the summer? I don't even know .Every year is the same ,my happiness slowly declines within ....hmm let's say the first two weeks of summer.Why? I'll tell you why because my mom is a certified idiot.She always wants to control my summer.As soon as June 18th comes around she starts talking about goals for the summer,"special nights",summer vacations,etc.Ridiculous!
Example,apparently my aunt is coming to pick us up tomorrow at 4 to go to this fucking bible adventures or how ever the fuck you say it.Me,being faithful atheist I am will be doing everything in my power to disrespect "the house of the lord".I do it every Sunday so why stop now.That means

  • Ipod on full blast with nothing but uncensored music
  • Phone off of vibrate
  • and Me not giving a rat's ass haha
This is just the beginning so unlike my lucky friends who can do pretty much whatever the fuck they want,this chick is gonna spend her whole fucking summer in the house while my mom writes in her planner shit that no one wants to do.I hate my life.Anyway remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

10th grade
It's over .Bring out the bikinis and the board shorts .Put away the Calculators and the pencils .This has been the worse grade by far.Break ups and make ups.Drama.Sex.A trip to the loony bin.Going on epic adventures with my future pot-head best friend.Finding my new shrink.Drama with ghetto bitches from lunch.Finding my beautiful mustang in the driveway. Becoming an extrovert than an introvert to the extreme.Meeting the guy that put aside my hatred for the opposite sex and put love in its place.Mushy shit .Whatever.All of it doesn't matter anymore.It's Over .I have yet to write my last entry in my journal like I do every year so we'll let this be it .Every year I'm always reluctant to leave the comforting but ohsostressful schedule I follow .This year it's totally opposite I'm ready to write my sophomore year's epitaph .I still can't believe its been a year.A whole fucking year.So much has changed,So much that I could write a book with the two journals I've filled out.All the tears,guys,school errors,laughs,him <3 Summer Possibly becoming a sandwich artist .Getting my license. Creating a "Memory" ;) and the list will continue as the days go by.

It ponders my mind on how one little minor comment could strike an OhSoStressful "conversation".As much of an irritation yesterday was,I let it go.For what? To have anger....or whatever it is ...trickle down to me? Fuck that.It's hard to care when it's about something so frivolous,give me something of more importance and by all means I'd give to left nuts.By me not showing high regard I have put myself on the "I don't care " list right under those "lost loves"...Well if that's how you feel......What can I tell you .

I feel so resolute .I know, I shouldn't but some sort of blockade prevents me from completely submerging myself in this blissful .....I don't even know what to call it.Not because I'm lost for words because Kiani (that would be me) is never that,but because there isn't a word that describes what I have.Sweet right?
So why do I feel so doubtful? Probably because I'm set on it eventually being gone.I guess I've become so accustomed to building a wall before someone else can hurt me further .What I'm realizing is that it's endangering everything .If it's there why question it? I really can't answer that.

This happens all the time .I can't ever have a great day without someone ruining it.This time it was quite unexpected .My retard of a mother chooses to get on my nerves after I get off the phone with her.For what?Why the hell didn't she just say what she had to say when she spoke to me THREE FUCKING HOURS AGO .
The fuck if I know.It drives me nuts nobody else's parents freaks out and gives them shit ALL THE DAMN TIME.My mom is always up my ass and around its corner .I wanna fucking shoot her ass for being so dumb.God why does she insisting treating me like a goddamn child!!!!!!

What the hell do I have to do to get a decent spring break in this house of retardation? I mean don't get me wrong ,anything that gets this chick out of school is good enough for me .But when my friends ask me "Hey Kiani,what did you do on that fine break?" i'm going to have to tell them the truth."Well * insert name here *,this girl spent the majority of her time in her friggin house!"I'm not saying I didn't do anything......Okayy so maybe I did.The plus side ,I got to chill with my boyfriend though.Down side? Mm nothing to envy .Of course that's what I base my level of how excellent it was.To go from this temporary summer vacation back to my desk in Biology is like a sick and twisted tease.2 more months of school.....Too long.

Today was surprisingly pleasant,no arguments or violent thoughts.My mom wasn't up my ass any part of the day .I got to drive.No problems there I didn't have a near death accident.My mom wasn't freaking out next to me .She even started bragging about my "Progress" to at least 1/3 of her contacts on that wretched blackberry (of course after like the 4th person my fingers were itching to send that phone out of the window).We then went to Chile's for lunch,from there my mood just took a plunge .We sat down and the waitress lady "Kim" slid one of those kid menus right in front of my face.Let me remind you .
I'm 16.dieciséis .zestien .十六 .
So I shove the crayons to my sister and the bimbo looks confused,"oh did she want one too?"
I then picked up a "Big People" menu and pretended not to hear her .Ignorance in this world will be the death of me one day I swear.We left eventually to go pick up my sister and her friend at the mall.Supposedly,they met some guys and they were freaking squealing like fucking pig .Like literally.All I really heard was OMG every five seconds ,not really the way I want to lose my hearing.Bless my boyfriend and his Ipod haha because I think I would've went into cardiac arrest or something on a account of the overload of preteen stupidity .Anyways I'm finished If you read this post all the way to the end then congratulation .I guarantee you will live five extra years .Not really

So once again my mom has ruined my spring break.Like honestly I can't even remember what I did for it last year.That's definitely a sign of an uneventful week of academic freedom.Two years running now.My mom and her stupid protective-mother logic is driving me crazy.Like I'm sick of hearing my friends and even the people that I don't know talk about how fun they're having or what's on their agenda for the day.ME? I'll tell you what my plans are ............ABSOLUTELY nothing.Fuck my life .And yours too.....HMm and the bitch wonders why I'm always unhappy .

As of February 28 ,2010
I am now sixteen, OMG sixteen ?
The questions that I get.

  • What are you doing for your
  • Why aren't you excited
  • What do you want
Honestly I don't give a shit what today is .There's no reason to show even the slightest bit of enthusiasm my life is like shitty to an unbelievable level .My mom tried to remove my boyfriend from the equation.She took my phone (got it back this morning though),she made me switch rooms,she yell at me about everything,etc.So what could I possibly get excited about .Sixteen is just a number .

I love You ? Well then fuck you too.I hate my mom,that women with my fucking life.No it's not a momentary thing it's a now and forever thing.She has messed up something that I've been anticipating for a long time and for it to be semi-gone because of that piece of shit is beyond my anger.Luckily I'll be gone soon,very soon I hope unless something comes up.No point in sticking around (for her sake anyway).Ugh these thoughts they flood my mind ,these thoughts that make me want to do horrible things to her as well as a few other people but I'll be satisfied with just her .

So apparently a few of my friends (and for like five minutes my boyfriend) have been mesmerized by the sweet smell of fresh blue waffles .*Sniff Sniff* you smell it? Oh the sweet smell of infection.
Now for you "Vaginally" ignorant people of the web ,Blue Waffles is not a comic book,nor is it some cool garage band,it will never be edible although for you wild boys interested in the infamous bloody crumpet ,blue waffles is definitely a must try......Just Saying.
A Blue Waffle (click Blue Waffle to see pictures,I'd attach a picture to this post but UHm I can't look at it for more than three seconds without gagging so...) is an infected lady part or should I say a multi-infected lady part .Why people are so intrigued with this gross corruption is beyond my knowledge .So let's think what is the moral to my pointless post.....Ladies,umm clean yourself (I just laughed a little inside).Sorry guys no lesson for you today except knowledge is power and not know is just half the battle .....Don't give me that look you know it's funny .

Oh the wonderful days of high school.The best years of my life? So far they've been the worse in every sense (well almost every sense ).Guys are so into themselves,like if they weren't scared of being socially devoided ,I bet alot that most of them would be of the homosexual group.Well it's true.Having girlfriends to them is having an excuse not to get other girls (in all seriousness I think that's how they work,"Oh damn well I'm all out of my studliness, time to settle down before I'm left with that weird chick named Phyllis").The jocks are the ones that bother me the most ,not because of them being conceited(because you kinda expect them to be like that)but because they think they that every person wishes they could do what they do.(If they spent half that energy on the field they would actually win shit occasionally).SAYS Who ? Says this chick!!! Girls are so exaggerated like everything needs to be dramatic.The loudness ,flipping of the hair(I swear if I find one more strand of stray hair in my backpack I'm going to go to school with some scissors),Vanity(Yeah the line at the mirror 24/7,NOT Necessary ,half of you should feel the urge to commit suicide after looking at your reflection anyway,constant jealousy of your fellow "gender-mates" (you shouldn't feel envious ,no what you should feel is unaccomplished ,unaccomplished for not being able to swing whatever she has .Sorry it's true that's why you're quiet right now.)SAYS Who? Says this chick!!!
With all that said you shouldn't be offended ,in fact you should feel informed.Because knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle or some shit like that haha There's some school house rock for your ass ....Okayy I'm finished .....You can leave now ...Ehem

I find it nice how people need me when I no longer want them.They ask for my help or for some kind of favor even though they don't acknowledge that I exist any other time .It's like forgive me for not being up on your level of coolness ,forgive me for thinking that I at lease deserve a hi occasionally ,and lastly forgive me for being a bitch towards you when you decide I'm once again worthy of your time.I don't do it to anyone .I don't stop talking to my friends just because I've suddenly discovered I'm much too above them .Users and Abusers of the world.

So apparently I'm not an average person.Well who wants to be average right ,but then again who want to be different ,don't we spend our whole lives trying to fit in? Anyway I get called weird alot,why?
Well...... because

  • I blog
  • Love Emilie Autumn (she's amazing)
  • I play Maplestory occasionally :) I know I'm a certified loser for that one
  • I like Asians,I find them quite fascinating
  • I study people,like on some psychologist shit ,no lie
  • I....hmm have an addiction(I'll let your mind run wild on that)
  • I'm bipolar and A.D.D *SuperFun*
  • I dance out of the random
  • I find sex facts fascinating (Do the Kegel for example)
  • I don't eat jiggly things
  • I'm not scared of death,but of becoming obese
  • I can see myself being a future swinger *Shhh*
  • Youtube is like my internet god(I'm gonna be the next lonelygirl15)
  • I have a friend ,we talk about our vaginas together (In a non gay way if you know us then you get what I'm saying)
  • I'm anti-social
  • Spencer's is my favorite store on this planet
  • I burp anywhere ,anytime (forever 21 belches are the best)
  • I don't like emotions,they can suck a hairy dick
  • Love is no longer in my Vocabulary,I don't even say it to my mom anymore
  • I check Myspace every like five minutes,that's why it's taking so long to finish this list
  • My laugh is pretty obnoxious :)
  • I get the dots (psychological thing.Simplified,dots make me itch (go figure)
  • You know when people say they don't give a fuck ,I can honestly say I don't give 2 monster- sized cockers

I'm not a bitch ,I mean I am but only if you deserve it.I just hate it when people are all in my personal space.Not just physically ,but socially (if that makes sense) .I don't need anyone up my lady parts 24/7 I may not have that much of a life ,but I'm not gonna waste what little I have on you.Me making excuses ,is a pretty good indication if you get one all the time.My friend tells me to just tell you how I feel about it.Normally I would have been done with it and went on with my semi-merry life ,but with you even if I did do that I'd have to see you or talk to you .Dilemmas of my life ,why can't I have normal problems like why god doesn't bless me with impeccable skin or something haha.

Something I recently discovered .Something that I've needed for quite sometime.Not a replacement because frankly there is no substitute for what I can't have ,for what I want more then anything is this whole screwed up universe .I've found a loop hole,a way that I can finally be semi-happy with my life even if it's just for a minute.That's all I need is a few moments to clear my mind of this emotional plague.It may sound weird,but unless you've experienced the longing that I go through everyday ,you wouldn't understand.Sometimes I think there has to be a catch .That my tylenol will soon dissappear leaving me to deal .

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I post things that people think but won't say, about life and how stupid it can be.I don't put names because it's none of your business who I'm talking about.Follow me.
I don't have regrets just mistakes I won't make again.

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