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Flustered is the word of the day.That and shitty.Times like this it's so easy to think of all the ways it could end .What you might ask ? I'll leave that to your imagination.2010 was shit and 2011 will be nothing but the same multiplied.It's getting to that point where either that women ,my mother ,or me is going to have to leave permanently because this coexisting shit isn't working for me .So who's going to flip a coin ? You know I called my shrink and she told me to write .Well I'm typing maybe it counts as the same .Either way it isn't working what so ever .I feel like throwing something at her face.Maybe if I'm lucky she'll take a drive and slide into oblivion .Sweet Shit .Ugh I feel like a schizophrenic ,except there isn't a million people talking just one ....Disregard that don't make fun of me .Anyway I hate her ,did I mention I hate her ? NO? Well.....I HATE HER.How the hell do you ruin New Years last year I was having sex ,this year I was in church and got chewed out for no god damn reason.Why yes ,yes I am ranting ,got a problem? Leave ,I don't care all that much.Thank you Emilie Autumn for being here when no one else is .Always.Where are my meds when I need them .An overdose is definitely overdue ....I'm just saying.It seems like everyone is having some kind of fun or is at least happy and then there's me.Stupid Bitch .Stupid Stupid Bitch.You should really consider being nice to the in the guest room ...that one day could be you're very last.Give it some time.I suggest you stop being an asshole and keep quiet.................I insist,It's really in the best interest of everyone................................

Every year my nagging mother gathers the household to talk about resolutions,goals for the new year.And every year she gets the same answer from me ."I don't have any.I go day by day otherwise I'm overwhelmed ."However, does she care? Not in the slightest .I tell her I'm probably going to go to tcc and she yells at me ,but when I ask her to stop being mad she insist on her happiness being over the moon.It will soon end .All of it.....No I'm not going to kill myself ...yet...scared? Anyway enough yanking your chain.I understand that everyone wants to get out of their house and what not.Unfortunately,this is a necessary want so necessary that it's barely a want but dire need.Why? Simple.My partial sanity depends on it.
Once again I'm being dragged to church .Fucking church !On New Years .What the fuck! Excuse me for my excessive use of profanity ...you're welcome to leave.So while I have to read every status on Facebook ,all written by ungrateful children that can't find "what the fucks up with today"
Oh and let's not forget the ever famous."Tryna get fucked up "
"were da hoes"etc .All I'm asking is to be treated like I have an opinion instead of being dragged places.When people ask me ,"Kiani ,what did you do?" All I can do is put my head down and pretend to be deaf.I just want to leave this house .Leave her....To do what ? NO clue ,but I know I won't find it here .February 28,2012 .So close and yet entirely too far.


Anyway knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

As uneventful as this day was it started off to be one of those days where nothings perfect but everthings good.The little moments that kept reminding me why my boyfriend and I are together and still not sick of each other.Kisses with laughter in between .Yes.Sweet shit .
It seems that every time we get to the climax of our "Us Time" someone is always there to add a we.No one cares .Inconsiderate bitches(yes guys are included).Waiting for an hour ...MY HOUR on irrelevant people to clean bathrooms and bedrooms.Packing his two-door Pontiac with a horny couple and the giant cousins.Dragging them to the mall while I lose every sense of my shopping nature,and leave empty handed.Feeling like i'm imposing on my boyfriend's brother's house, when really it's every person that isn't me or my boyfriend that is invading their place of rest.Meeting...No I'm sorry glancing at two of the ugliest chicks I've seen in quite some time .Hippos and Rainbow bitches were definitely among us .And then listened to them talk shit .Disrespect .I had about all the singing I could take listening to them belt out of key notes.Smelling smoke this way and that .Getting home past curfew and my mother thinks I'm grown .Women go hang yourself by your rosary .So..Through the tears I figured I might as well deliver the last blow of insanity and repeat everything .Putting them to words.
Sorry no ending phrase I'm not in the mood.So Yeah.

It seems like everyone and their mom is pregnant .I was on Facebook and all I saw was ultra-sound pictures and what not .Like I know god doesn’t like me ,but why torture me like that.It’s not even jealousy it’s just…Confusion ,and maybe it’s just me but……Virginia beach has so many “baby mommas” that we should own friggin 16 and pregnant…I’m just saying .Scrolling down the of a picture and the questions are all the same.

What are  you having?

Name?

Who’s is it ?

ETC.

You know what ?

FML and yours too

That is all .Remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

2010 has been the year of Love basically,but of course everything has a price .

What I lost
  • My room
  • PCP life
  • The whorish persona :0
  • My Ipod
  • My mind
  • A necklace


What I gained
  • necklace
  • ring
  • a trip to the looney bin
  • new therapist
  • crappy guest room
  • a journal full of poems
  • 1/4 of Forever 21
  • Flip Camera
  • Coolpix Nikon Camera
  • Emilie Autumn & Nicki Minaj crush
  • the nickname 3 feet and girlfriend
  • The real meaning of love
  • Irrelevant knowledge on Lil Wayne
  • Being in love
  • My Boyfriend and future husband,Alan ...knock on wood
  • ............Semi-Happiness perhaps?

You wanna say you've changed over the year.You're a new person .That all of a sudden everything is petty and you're onto bigger and better things .Truth is you're walking right back into the cycle of bitchy girls and horny guys....you're welcoming it without the slightest of hesitation .The over-rated high school scene.The Anticipation that takes a downward spiral to frustration .Aggravation.Stop lying to yourself dammit ,you know you'll always be the same .I'm just saying

I’m not a big fan of socializing only because making new friends eventually involves sharing my life and all of its mishaps .Not saying it’s horrible.I mean I have a nice house,beautiful car,I’m not fat ,A boyfriend ……which is messy in itself ,but overall more of a blessing then a curse.But having to talk about what’s going on with me and everything now would be like picking at semi-healing scabs and making them bleed (Gross.Yeah I got it).So I rather not .I enjoy pretending like nothings wrong and everything is right in the world ,I have the perfect life .Deny.Deny.Deny.and all will be forgotten (temporarily).

So yeah knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

At an unruly hour, destiny found its way

Everything an accident, but coming together as a purpose

I put my life in a total stranger’s possession

Risking trouble to feed my addiction, obsession

Every feeling dormant, “just business” I supposed

The first kiss was nothing, my eyes weren’t closed

Those few hours spent in that confined place, bliss

When over I knew ever everything. I didn’t need words to assist

At that moment you were mine and I wanted to be yours

I tried my best to make it easy and unlocked every door

To my soul. To my heart .you didn’t know where to start

So I took your hand and on this mission we embarked

That cold month so warm mixed with fiery passion

Breaking every rule not caring what happened

New feelings emerged tearing down my walls

A warning to china eventually everything falls

All that matters is who’s there to pick it up

You were there and thankfully strong enough

The words were now fluid flowing off of my tongue

Dripping into your ears, mixing our hearts into one

Then you took the bet and put it all in

My breath a frenzy of pants, couldn’t keep it even

With everything perfect I guess karma had to intervene

You went back to her a déjà vu scene

Not once or twice, but the third time’s the charm

If I didn’t have to know it really wouldn’t of did any harm

I thought I was pretty and I thought that you loved me

I thought that there was no girl that could ever touch me

Alas my security stomped on and buried

You picked up the remainder and tried to carry

So many problems .I can foreshadow that day

No longer capable, you’ll drop me and walk away

Followers

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