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I never understood how the person who seems to have everything you could ever want and can do anything without reprimand is still unhappy . Why am I forced to sit through the tears, why am I forced to slap on this fictitious smile and pretend like I have no problems of my own, therefore having the time to solve their own. Why do I have to keep feeding the same advice repetitively in order to make you understand the obvious. I've come to the point in my life where I've eliminated all of the parasitical relationships but one out of my life. And yet this is the one that that's taking the most from me . Not physically but mentally. What good is a best friend if you can't share your inner secrets in hopes of some much needed second opinions.

It seems like every person I meet wants something, but doesn't go the extra mile for me . Waiting for the day. I intended for this to be longer but all of a sudden my words vanished......

So remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

So at two in the morning Alan was here .Beautiful nights I must say . Anyway ever since we found out he's been super affectionate . I don't know why . It's a great feeling though. I don't plan on telling people until I need too. Him on the other hand is excited like there's no tomorrow. I guess plans of moving in together will come sooner than this summer I hope .I miss waking up next to him just about every morning.
His Mom's loves me his whole family does actually and they all said that we'll be great. They're already planning a few things for us . (geez I love them ) I believe them of course because I know it's true .My life right now is like freaking cloud nine . Mustang, a job, My Penis <3 Absolute perfection and NO ONE will ruin it. Pics up soon <3


So take a picture this is a prime example of happiness at its peak.
You should try and find it .

Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle

I for once in my life I have nothing negative to say. That's probably why writing this is difficult . Usually the strength of my posts are powered by my anger or hurt. The thing is I'm neither. I'm relieved , a little apprehensive , but nonetheless happy. Damn I hope I don't jinx it.
It could either go two ways . I could have been right and my era of patience was well sought out for . Or I was wrong and I become the fool everyone has already labeled me as. I have faith in him . I honestly do and I believe he'll take us serious this time.I see my friends and I don't want us to be anything like them . I want us both to be genuinely happy with one another instead of just contenting ourselves. Lazy Dating is something I don't support because in the end someone will get hurt.

Only time will tell

Anyway, Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle

Well....

Why am I the one to put up with this shit.No one cares. No one sticks up for me.Why? Oh yeah because I'm not relevant anymore.Maybe I should just give in. What's the point of sticking around if I'm not even worth saying something for? "I love her so respect her" the words I've been craving since November 2010 .All those messages,me keeping my mouth shut because I didn't want to stress him out anymore than. he already was I'm glad I didn't say anything it wouldn't of been a waste as I can see. All of those messages and I said nothing .No one to tell then no one to care now.So many words and I was nice to her.I tried even when I hated him and her.I tried because I loved him .but if no one will fend for me I have no other alternative.
____________________________________________________________________
It isn't my fault this drama will never cease and yet in the end I'm going to be the one booted and forgotten.I already know how it's going to end. It isn't fair just when I thought everything was relatively okay people ruin it. I would never ask him to choose because I'm scared of the answer. He knows.She knows.I know.It will always be her.What do I have to offer? Myself? Yeah, because that was worth alot in the past.She has the only thing he wants.What about me? It isn't like I'm some drop dead gorgeous girl,hell most days I don't even feel attractive.....I look like I'm 12 and my body could be better...I'm not that interesting of a person and optimism just isn't in my vocabulary.No one wants to deal with that . And I don't blame them ...It'd be nice though.

Why can't I ever be happy. Times like this I miss Amber she always understood how I felt and the thoughts were never a secret with her.But Amber is dead and I'm still here.She was brave enough and I'm still the coward .

First, off I payed a chick 20 bucks to sit in a 3 hour detention.Why? Because I don't do detention.
Second, the doctor told me my immune system is declining or something like that.If you pay attention you should know why.Third, my best friend is so self-centered she doesn't even know.
Anyway
Everyone thinks I have no feelings. They look at the bland expression on my face and take it as me being vacant. I am fully aware of what goes on around me, I just choose to keep it in. Saves everyone the stress of knowing. The truth is, my emotions are very intense.When I feel happy I'm extremely happy.When I'm sad the world is ending and there's no hope.All I want to do is sleep and remain.....I had a point to this .Hmm. Let's try it again. I'm no longer angry and I'm no longer sad. There are just certain things (songs,shows,clothes,movies,jewelry) that spark memories. Good and Bad. Things I know for a fact he doesn't think about or remember .The little details.It's like a pang in my side then it disappears and leaves me in the past once again. Eventually, I'll get it right and it won't bother me...But until then I'll be here in the land of lost hope...Damn I'm such a downer.I just miss him is all.And that's okay.I think I deserve that much.The best, best friend I've ever had come to think of it.Hmm does that say something about my judge of character aha .okayy I'm done.I'll probably write again tonight.

I just want someone that will let me cry on them .Maybe scream a few times.I really need it .

My last year of high school and I feel absolutely nothing. Perhaps the feelings will just flood through me seconds before I walk across the stage.Whichever it may be. Going back to the school where it all began. I felt no significance. Few people even remembered me. I got the vacant look from some it read, "Oh there's just another girl" . It's okayy it didn't really bother me . I'm used to being irrelevant.
It felt like my schools population of the opposite sex doubled maybe tripled. I'm not even talking about the underclassmen . The weird thing was I felt no attraction to any of them. Even when one talked to me. To be honest I zoned out and didn't hear a word. I just don't look at guys that way anymore. I know, I'm not in a relationship anymore (that's still hard to say out loud), but just the thought of being with another person sickened me. Literally. I'm sure with time it'll get better .Maybe not.But like I said I'm used to being irrelevant as of late. I know he's busy . I don't push it. No expectations remember.
Someone told me the best way to get over a man is to get a new one......That's the thing .I don't want a new one. I want the one I have.....had .Is that so much to ask for? Whatever.No stress right?
Well my boobs hurt and I'm hungry so bye.



Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle

Sometimes.....I reminisce and my past blurs the line of reality. It's like I spend my days thinking about what used to be and how the dynamics of a few relationships have changed. Then I come back to the present and don't know how to handle it. I don't want to forget,because that was the most complicated but splendid part of my life. Then, I was the most happiest, I had what I wanted for once. It didn't matter who liked me. How home was.How much of a loner I was at school. I was just in pure bliss. Now? I'm always conscious of how easy it would be for him to disappear once again.....completely. I keep everything in because I feel one slip up and life becomes absolutely intolerable . I just want the present to be as enjoyable as the past. No one ever asks me to just vent (with the exception of one) so I don't. And I say the same thing everyday. It's killing me.Eating away at me. Nobody seems to care about the inside just as long as I seem fine on the outside why bother right? People claim they care, but the truth is apparent .
I try so hard more than anyone can imagine. To keep up this pretentious facade. I may seem like I just let my emotions run a muck through my words, actions. But really....that's nothing compared to what it could be.Of course though no one sees that. I spend my time tending to everyone's emotional needs ....Who's gonna be there for me ?

I hate my mom, but you should already know that . If it was up to me she'd be long gone . Of course I could be the one to make that happen but alas I'm too much of a pussy. I can't tell you how long I've wanted to see her stupid face crushed under my forever 21 stilettos. How long I've wanted to bash her stupid skull in with a hammer and watch her hemorrhage. I hate her more than anyone. I hate her more than I've ever hated anyone or anything.And no one understands. I crave that scene that's forever playing in my head, in my dreams. People would call that a nightmare I call it a night worth sleeping. When will it end.I ask myself that everyday.She says I'm angry because of so many irrelevant things. You wanna know what I tell her ? I tell her It's you and it's always been you.I tell her I hate her.I tell her that if it was ever up to me she wouldn't be related to me in any way ,shape,or form. Ijust want her to die.

Sometimes I wish people would have more faith in my .....mental health. I don't really know what else to call it. Sure I'm stressed and have way to many things on my mind, but doesn't everyone else. Sure maybe everyone else doesn't need two shrinks at his/her beckon call, but I'd like to think that adds something interesting ....or weird to the mix. And perhaps not everyone is locked up for "their own good" but come on everyone has a quirk right? Anyway , I feel as if everyone treats me like some kind of bomb that could just explode at anytime. I feel like people should give me more credit. Of course I'm not a pushy person though .....so why do I care so much about this....I know the answer . Because I don't want to disappear on a count of me not being able to "handle" this .I can handle it just fine. I don't resent anyone, I don't blame people that don't deserve it. I'm fine now . Why doesn't anyone see that.
I can do it .....Whatever

Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

People may call me selfish when I say that I'm annoyed on account of my mom's retirement from the Military. With all the deployments and duties I should be as relieved as my mother is. I wish I could share her excitement, but I knew as everyone else in this house knew that things would be changing ...not for the better. You see she ( mom) likes to pretend like we can finally rekindle the flame of closeness that our family once had. Delusional. Is the only word that comes to mind. In no way am I trying to be cruel. It's just the truth and I won't bend it for anyone, not even her. What she doesn't seem to understand is that sure we have taken many vacations to various locations, played a few games of Uno and Monopoly here or there and had a few laughs.But by no means does that even make a family even remotely close.It isn't a factor. I'm not asking for a white picket fence family, or those sitcom families where it all just gels together I just want a functional family.

I spend most of my time in my room because I prefer the silence then the chaos that welcomes me when I open my door.Our family is a group of nomad for lack of better word ( I really gotta get a new thesaurus) everyone for themselves.

My mom, because of her occupation, has spent alot of time away from us ( my siblings and I).If anyone has the slightest sign of "bond" it's us .We've had to build this immunity to missing our mom ...together.I guess she's trying to make up for the time she hasn't been there.I think in truth she realizes that we can now fend for ourselves.We don't need nor do we crave that maternal grasp we once hoped for . We've become accustomed to doing what we want and I think it's a little too late to try and scramble up some sort of relationship...

I don't know I'm rambling so I'll stop ...Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

I don't know what I was thinking. I could just replace him...It worked for a few days. It was like my fantasy land. My Disneyland. Me, the princess of the park *yeah I have issues with my analogies, thats not the point* Anyway, maybe it was because of who this person was that gave me a sense of security . A tie(no matter how mangled the rope was) to the past that I so desperately clung to. When will this torment end? When will I have a piece of mind?
Why I kept this a secret? Because I knew the trouble it would've caused.Then again maybe it wouldn't matter . He doesn't seem that interested in me nowadays anyway. Also I didn't know what was going on and if it was anything to begin with .I guess I kept it a secret because I thought I could have both. I thought that .....when he didn't come through I had a backup .....I'm not talking about sex. Sex is irrelevant. I'm talking about having that close feeling. That familiar feeling.
All of that changed. When? I honestly do not know nor can I remember .I just know there was a split second where I realized what I was doing and ran the opposite way...Geez I don't make sense.
I miss my old life...Maybe I wouldn't miss it if....never mind it's never going to happen again.I got it .I feel like every time I'm all out of things to say I have a new post unraveling in front of me.Such as this one.

Staring at my only escape and it never looked so.......enticing

So remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

I hate people. I hate fat people.People that are up my ass all day.People that tell me what to do.Who to talk to.Who/what to listen to .People that think they're better than me. People that think they're all the more wiser because they're older.People that try and intimidate me (it doesn't work) . People who lie . And anyone else who makes me mad . I want everyone to just leave me alone .I don't bother anyone. Why? Because I don't want to be bothered. Once again I'm not asking for much just my privacy. Goddamn you would think I was asking for a million dollars. Apparently, no one likes to see me happy. You know what you all deserve.....to die? Die slowly while I watch. If you're lucky it won't be me who delivers it, cause I have a few ideas for a few of you ......that's it.

So apparently (according to my mother)

  • My make-up makes me look like a whore
  • I'm depressed for no reason
  • .....and I need to get over it
  • I'm an angry person because there's something deep down in me that I regret
  • I only get excited about life when I have plans....with friends
  • .....
  • and there are so many things wrong with me, but I still think I'm better than everyone .
SO class, let us address these statements . My face is my face .You may not waste your time covering up your splotchy face, but I take pride in how I look. Don't be jealous you can't pull it off. Next, I'm always depressed I have a reason to be. I don't bother you .I don't come crying to you. I don't even see you , but twice in a day.and bitch you get the fuck over it.Suck my dick while your at it.Third, Sure I'm angry but in no way does it affect you nor should you want it too. I hold in so much ,bite my tongue as much as I can . The only thing deep down is me pondering why am I so scared to do ...... I'll let your mind run with that. I don't like spending time with you in any form.No that will not change so get over it . Excuse me for enjoying the company that doesn't make me want to spit on them every time they talk. Lastly, thank you for again putting words in my mouth. If anyone thinks too much of themselves it's you . You think that everything you tell me is like god himself. Fuck you and him ....The End

I'm tired of everything . I'm tired of my mom . Tired of these feelings that will never be satisfied. I'm tired of feeling like nothing is ever going to get better.I'm tired of the stress.Tired of the uncertainty.When is it all going to get better. I don't ask for much. The bare minimum maybe.But am I not entitled to to that? I just want to have a day where nothings perfect, but nothings wrong.
I wanna be happy.Alone or not.

I have a headache so I don't feel like writing . Um and I'm downloading music (not that you care) . So uh laptop it is.

I'm waiting for the day when I wake up content at the very least. Maybe I'm just not one that will ever be uhm happy .Although, I know it's possible ...well you know. It's like a what now phase. I'm noticing that I'm a little on edge I don't know if I should blame it on the Prozac I've been taking irregularly. My temper is very short...shorter then usual.I just wanna hurt someone .My head just isn't where it should be .So much suppressed anger,frustration,sadness. I just want someone to feel the way I do.So cliche' right? It's like gee this is what I have shrinks for right? Wrong, there are certain things you just don't tell people. Some thoughts are meant to be kept private forever. If I tell someone it's like an automatic trip to another loony bin that I refuse to go to. You'd have to sedate me to get me there again. So what do I do? It's eating away at me. It's like there are these violent thoughts.Then they're these depressing thoughts that consume my whole day.Like why the hell am I like this . I just wanna be normal. I've never said that in my whole life ,but I can't take it. People say you're being dramatic .You don't have to think about that .You don't have to act that way .It's not some switch you can turn off .It's just there.Like a disease...well it is a disease but ..I don't know you know what I mean .Then again maybe you don't. I just want to tell someone what going on without being judged .Without being sent somewhere ....Anyway I know I'm asking for too much and no one gives a fuck all that much about me so whatever.I'll deal how I've been dealing .
HMm knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

He's already thinking about someone else . Pushed aside for someone else.Guess I was too much of a burden. Guess he just wants to start over. Maybe I should too ? Not now . Whatever . I knew this was going to happen . It's like one step forward five thousand back .There isn't really much to say . My words don't matter . I'm tired of it all . This is why I don't try.This is why I don't trust people.This is why I don't like being social.This is why I said fuck love. Love means nothing.Love is nothing but an over-rated word .Forever doesn't exist.This is why I hate opening up.You give everything in you just to not be appreciated and virtually spit on.That's a piece of my heart I'll never get back .
I regret that night .I regret January 2,2010 .I regret sneaking out .I regret those nights that followed.I regret going against PCP code.I regret saying I love you.I regret letting myself believe.I regret the tears I've spent through this relationship.I regret forgiving you for that kiss.I regret meeting you.

I regret January 23,2010

You become this vulnerable bitter person. Yet again I was right . So again I say fuck men. Fuck people.Trust no one.It all comes down to no one giving a fuck about you but you .Remember that.
One more year of school then I can just completely disappear . I can't even get though summer without almost losing it .Whatever . Goodbye.

So I was playing my ukulele( making a video) and my finger started to bleed ...damn callous that's when I decided to stop and write.I can't find my journal . Anyway I don't know why I haven't been able to sleep for a while now and I wake up with a migraine 95% of the time. God bless pharmaceuticals.
My boobs hurt too...geez why doesn't my period just come already. This isn't going to be some depressing rant like usual.Well, because I'm not depressed I'm slowly entering the unstable part of okayy. All of a sudden I don't want to talk about it .Maybe later.Bye.

There's no point in trying to make it work with someone so stubborn. Went out of my comfort zone of waiting for something to happen on its own.I've been trying,but I'm tired of looking pathetic and stupid. Why deny yourself what you want? I never got that.

Patience and Humility .
Something I've had to build . All this because of a voice in the back of my head convincing me that in the end it will all be worth it.
Anyway, my head is too busy right now and I wish I had something stronger .

So knowledge is power and not knowing makes you a spineless jellyfish .

Did you know that misusing Prozac causes the deterioration of your stomach liner? Well you do now . That combined with stress out the ass. You wanna know something else? I spent what was suppose to be a twenty minute appointment into a three hour exam.So many goddamn needles and ultrasounds.Waiting for results...... I hate the doctors.Why does "the dear baby jesus" like to torment me just get it over with . aha.
Anyway, Geez both of my shrinks are booked until mid August .Oh well I'll be my own. How do I feel today? I'm not upset or sad (at the moment) then again I'm not content. I wish my head would just stop working for a while. It could just shutdown and I'd be okayy. Yesterday made me happy no beyond happy ..hmm ecstatic maybe? Why because it felt like old times, just two losers .You know what though? Even then I refused to let myself indulge in the present because I was over thinking the future . The future being him distancing from me once again .The roller-coaster man but I'm okay . We're just people at the moment what happens isn't up to me. It's obvious I'm not going to be apart of the decision. So many emotions not even from the kiss.The kiss is irrelevant .Just in general...whatever happens happens

So...Knowledge is power and I plan on hiring a male prostitute .

Why am I constantly on this soap box ? Headphones plugged into my laptop. Itunes on shuffle.No distractions.Just me,My thoughts and whoever gives a damn. I feel as if I'm only ever here to talk about men or a man haha. Have you ever just continuously kept poking at something painful knowing that it wont help.I find myself reliving the past. Becoming obsessed with the unattainable.This is why I deactivated my Facebook.To detach myself from the pain slowly suffocating me .But I've realized I'm just too much of a self-harmer than to let myself heal like normal people.I reopen the wound and pour salt and alcohol in.It's like my mind is a conundrum.I want to hate him.I try so hard to.I figure the more you hate a person the quicker they become nothing but a person.I'm guessing that's his approach, but then again what do I know right ?
I was wrong though.I just can't.I want to hold this grudge and vent to the world about my problems and gain people on my side.Rally against him you know? But I can't.The truth is I don't think I've ever loved him more.Maybe my emotions are all fucked up from these meds that I'm on.Maybe not.I'm this stupid girl.I hate myself right now.I'm constantly beating myself up about how much this crap is consuming me.It's now gained a life of its own. I'm a screw up and sure it's my fault , mine and my unstable state of mind . I'm kinda proud of myself .I didn't pick up the blade in a while.Trust me there have been nights where I just wanted to give up.Thoughts of how my life isn't worth much at the moment.I should be used to being alone.I've spent my whole life without anyone to go to.I think the reason that this is different is because I was just getting warmed up to the fact of having someone that wasn't going to abandon me.Someone who was gonna love me for me ,through what ever.No such thing I guess.
Tears are unavoidable .Both my shrinks are afraid for my health....Did you know there's a legit way of dying of a broken heart.If only I could be so lucky...Jesus doesn't love me enough.The only thing I ever ask of him is to just do me in and I couldn't even get that .Fuck'em

I thought we were getting somewhere.I wanna know what I did .
Anyway knowledge is power....And I need sex uh okayy bye

oh how i love inadvertant cyber conversations.....sarcasm i read too.

All I want is to not be ignored like I'm just some chick he had a fling with.Do I really mean nothing to him.You can't wake up out of love? Well he did apparently.
Maturity is something that one doesn't get from being a new "parental figure" aha stupid people are the best they make my life tolerable . All I ever did was be there for him and this is what I get it .I'm not a toy and refuse to be treated as such.Fuck'em and his life aha I don't need him he'll get what he deserves an ugly fat women and child support checks out the ass .... Me? I'm walking scotch free . He'll understand eventually .I'm the one who's been here ....Regrets are a bitch aren't they ? He'll find out who he has....had .
In case you're reading stop leaving notes on my car shits not cute .You should stop being a little Cunt or "mature" whatever the fuck you "think" you are and say it in person ... Why am I being treated like the one who did something wrong?

I'm tired of the mind games and the uncertainty. My heart isn't a game so unplug your ego. Don't have the patience for people who think it's a game.

So which is it?
Am I happy that I'm finally out of the "let's ignore Kiani" stage or is this reunion adding fuel to the already extinguished fire? After everything I'm willing to settle for just a friendship. It seems like I should be angry,but I'm not .Granted I'm not jumping for joy ,but the pain that still lingers is slowly subsiding . Maybe I'm an idiot for letting the wall just fall based on one conversation.One short and choppy conversation(but a conversation nonetheless). I'm aware that he could drop me at anytime ....he's done it a few times before .
Why is it so easy to just risk my feelings with him ? Perhaps it's the fact that I'm hoping just a tad that this is time that he'll realize that he wants what I want and that he should stop being stubborn. I'm settling for a friendship not to ease my way back into his heart because it'll never be the same and I'll never be the same.And definitely not because I don't think that I could "find" better. I'm settling because I need him in my life regardless of what we are to each other.I don't need to be "Hobbit" ....I've come to terms with the fact that it won't happen ever again.Not because of me...well yes because of me (I can't handle all that's going on ,So I'm told) . Of course it still hurts, but I'm willing to try harder and make it not anymore. He's moved on so why can't I? It's funny to me how I used to be .Not a feeling in my horizon, to this love sick girl that can't even get a text message .It's horrible lol .
My shrink thinks I'm a fortune teller ....not really .But she says I anticipated this to happen even before all of it did .I wrote poems and stories about women who were wrong by men in the SAME exact way ....of course most of them committed suicide haha. That's what she worries about . I assured her that's not going to happen.Why? Because unless something changes with him I'm moving far away (only to Nevada or back to Hawaii) she thinks it's a good idea .So does my mom .Funny How we agree on something that involves me leaving .
Why would I lie obviously I have no problem with leaving.I don't have friends and the one person that I based my future around has a little future of his own and won't miss me in the slightest .Who would miss me right ? It's the only thing keeping me sane knowing that I can start clean completely .
Considering this is kind of long and you're probably sick of crawling through my head I'll spare you until next time.So remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.....I hope this doesn't cost me my privileges of getting text messages back lmao .

It's getting close .Hope we can talk before then..I hate my fucking life .Who's going to care? Not him.

It took me a few days before I could handle seeing what what's been plaguing my mind on the screen of my laptop.It's something about me blogging that makes everything sound permanent....definite.So here goes .This might just be the most honest I've been in all my posts.
I never knew what it felt like to want to die so bad.The intensity is on levels I can't even begin to explain.Granted I've had my moments in life where it's just been unbearable,but NEVER like this.I don't understand how one can be so harsh. "Cut and Dry" .I want you to close your eyes.Now picture the one you love more than anything or one ,picture the person you would kill for,picture the one that you'd do anything for.Now imagine if that person told you to stop talking to them.Imagine that person saying I don't want you or I cant deal nor do I want to deal with you.One last thing ....Imagine that person removed themselves from your life without you having a say.Without you doing anything wrong.
Who is she talking about you ask ? Well he isn't going to read this so .....Alan.
Alan they gu I've been talking about in the majority of my posts.I remember I told myself not to fall for this guy.But I couldn't help it he was so amazing.All my previous experiences with people who I've trusted just to watch them leave....No I'm not talking about other boyfriends.I believed he was going to be different .Who was this guy ? This dread-headed Cutie.I guess you could say the fact that he had a girlfriend when we met should've sparked a thought but I wasn't thinking .I loved him from the start.I still don't know what it was that made us click .He was like the missing piece to my Picasso-themed puzzle was found and it was perfect.
Sorry flashbacks .Now all I do is cry.All I do is wish for something that only one of us wants.I knew I wouldn't be his first priority after his kid was born but I at least wanted a number.To reassure me that I wouldn't be pushed away.Since the day we broke up I regretted it .All I want is to be able to call him my boyfriend again.I don't want some guy to come and mend what was broken I don't even want Alan to do that.Let it remain in piece
The last time I saw him we talked about everything and it felt like old times.There he was my bestfriend smiling in front of me again .Sharing his thoughts.I wasn't planning on us having sex it just happened.If I knew that would be the last time I got to touch him and vice versa I would have savored the moment.We even fell asleep together.He woke up and left.I didn't know that would be the last time I'd see him .....not forever but you know what I mean.
If you truly love someone you wouldn't be able to just give up right? I guess he didn't love me the way that it seemed .I think that's the part that hurts me the most knowing that I'm as disposable as a Styrofoam cup.When my phone vibrates my face gets hot and I just hold my breath wishing that it was Alan.When I hear a car door slam I rush to the window hoping that he's come to see me .I'm so pathetic right?
The easy way out of all of this just keeps looking better and better.What's the point anymore.Just worthless Kiani.The girl that wasn't good enough to work it out.My chest hurts where my heart used to be and I have no one to talk to.My mom just expects me to get over all of this.Alan does to.I can't .I gave him every part of me .I just can't believe it could all be over just like this.I'll give it as much time as it wants to work itself out.I'm just over life .Don't want it anymore.

What's best for me and what's best for everyone else are two entirely different things. I've spent so much of my life trying to please my mom, my invisible dad,my siblings who seem to outshine me regardless,my once true love,my best friend. It seems the only time I get a say is when I'm being selfish. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll find the balance that I so desperately need to keep my level of sanity. I've come to a point in my life of only 17 years that I need to leave and start over. New beginning.Clean Slate.Where no one knows my name.My story.All they know is what I choose to share. What I choose to be known. Nothing more.Nothing less.
Why did she do it?
"Oh she's been batteling depression."
"Her boyfriend is having a kid.....had a kid"
"It's all my fault"
"Was it school"
"She stopped taking her meds"
"I didn't even see it coming"
"She'll be back"
ALL OF YOU ARE WRONG.You think you know me ? Oh you've all just scratched the surface.I'm not depressed.I don't give a shit about a bouncing baby bastard with a stupid name to match its stupid mother.I laugh at the life that screwed up child will have.Be mad ...Don't care . As for my meds I stopped taking those about two months ago.And lastly I won't be back.
I don't think of this as a sad time. I think of it as a relief . Everyone may not see it now but soon they will.I never understood why people worried.It kind of insults my intelligence just a tad. Why would I just disappear and not have a plan. Maybe if the few people that care enough about me to read this pathetic blog would relay the message to the people that "love" me . I know where I'm going, the people I chose to be apart of my "born from the ashes" life , the goals I've set .Some accomplished others in sight .My life is just starting and I don't have the slightest doubt.The smallest ounce of remorse for what I've decided to do with my life. Why? Simple.....It's my life and I shall do what I want with it.Maybe, just maybe if I feel nice in the near future I'll send a letter,or even an email.If I'm feeling like Jesus himself I might even text a few of you "once upon a timers"....But that's if I'm just to the point of pure bliss.I'm prepared for the hardships.The scares.The uncertainty.I don't know what's out in the world ? We shall see .We shall all see .I don't need to be a prostitute.I don't need to steal a sharpie from walmart and march around with my cardboard sign. I don't need to stay locked up in an apartment or a house to avoid "the man" . I don't even need to bounce around from house to house hoping I'm not put out on the streets.I'm Kiani. That's all you need to know.I'm not above anyone ,neither below remember that and don't sweat my absence it's not permanent ....maybe who knows .....Only time will tell.Now dance my puppets....DANCE

Love can't find you when you're dead .That's the only way I can escape .I made a mistake and I'm living with it.I can't even write about him without crying.I can't think about him without crying.I love him,Alan ,I love him so much .It's consuming every thing in me.I know I ended it and I realize how dumb I was.The pathetic part is I don't even think he wants me back.Who would blame him I'm a wreck that doesn't know what I want.I just can't let go.The more I think he lets go the tighter my grip gets.I just want it all to be over .I know this post makes no sense but thats how my head is .I love you .I want you back.

Sometimes I wish I had a shoulder to lean on as opposed to depending on myself to keep myself from going off the edge.Complicated already? There have been countless times where I have cried to myself for hours, sure I looked pathetic but what else was there to do? When am I going to get the privilege to just let all of these tied up emotions go.Out of my mouth and into someone's ear that actually gives a damn.I'm always the one to listen to someone's problems or I'm the one that must to maintain this facade for the sake of another's comfort or happiness. What about me? Who do I get? Will I always feel virtually alone? Reality is the one thing that I don't know how I've managed to continue for so long. Honestly, I'm not even sure what keeps me going,......maybe the thought that something will turn out for the best. I just wish someone would tell me that they're proud of me and I'm doing the right thing instead of the mistake few people think I'm making.It's to late to turn back now and I intend to see it to the end.....Question. How are you suppose to love something that is sucking the life out of your relationship,the very reason for your existence( yes twilight shit). Next Question. Can I ? Or will I wait to accept the inevitable and be but a distant memory. Either way I don't win so why make the choice and be unhappy for the remainder of the time we have together.

Is it possible to be happy and apathetic at the same time ? It's like my mind is in a vigorous game of tug of war.I want more than anything to be happy, not just content but genuinely happy.I love my boyfriend I mean isn't it obvious? Have I not proved myself loyal enough yet.He's my everything . The day we met ....well "formally" met I knew our futures would be intertwined from then on out. How? Well because I have a gift of knowing things haha .Anyway he makes me happy regardless of all that's going on but in the long run will that be enough ? Only time will tell I guess. I wish I had a time machine .I wish I could take back every cruel thing I said.Every petty argument ...maybe things would be different.Seems that way.

So once again I'm deemed worthless.Why can't I find someone that loves me and wants me forever .Instead of when it's convenient .Left alone .Nobody cares.I'm such an idiot to think that I finally found someone.Meaningless.My life is meaningless and I'm sick of everything life has to offer.Whenever it's even semi good it never last.My chest is on fire and it feels like I'm suffocating ,tightening its grip until my heart is nothing but dust.The tears are spilling and soaking my blanket.I thought I was right ,that he was my one and only ,that we'd last forever ( I genuinely thought that),that we were meant for each other,that I would never have to give him up.All the planning ,and in his head he probably just laughed at how gullible I was.So foolish to think anyone would want me .Fed into the lies ,so I guess I deserved it.I love you Kiani.You're an amazing girl.You deserve everything.You're beautiful, Kiani.I missed you ,Kiani.I'm in love with you.You're one of my best friends.
The one time I give someone a peak as to what's inside I get taken advantage of.What's wrong with me?No idea what I'm going to do .

Why live a life
That's painted with pity and sadness and strife
Why dream a dream
That's tainted with trouble and less than it seems
Why bother bothering
Just for a poem or another sad song to sing
Why live a lie
Why live a lie
-Emilie Autumn-

Story of my life...

So after you cry ,there's nothing left,and you're on a never ending path of self-questioning ,what do you do?
I think I'm one of the few that sit on their derriere and feel sorry for themselves on a daily basis.Don't get me wrong I'm not some dork that just pulls unhappiness out of her ass and mopes.I'm the dork that reopens that bottle of unhappiness and spills it all over herself then I mope. Got it? Good. I guess you can say I bring it upon myself ,but I just can't help it.The most frustrating part about all of it is that I tackle on unnecessary things not thinking about the consequences until it's too late and it's slithering through the crevices of my mind.(pretty descriptive right?) I'm like fucking Macgyver with hormones .I can pretty much find out what ever I want to know.How ? Because I'm awesome. Why? Who knows.What I do know though is that I have absolutely no right to be upset .Why, because everything is my fault and my problem.
Back to the question.
So after you cry and there's nothing left what do you do? HMm ....you sit in silence and wait.Wait for the tears to fall again.

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