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         I was right in assuming that motherhood wasn't for me. I've always known it, I've never been the one to fawn over children. Some women say they were born to me a mother, that when their child was born life was "complete". I wanted so very bad to feel that. To feel that raw emotion that's supposed to intertwine your souls and all that other sappy shit.

        All these years of saying that "I don't feel like normal people" and I've never believed it more than now. I just feel bad . I feel bad for Alan having to deal with me and my "melancholy" . I mean how long can one person stand it. I feel bad for my daughter. She deserves so much better.

         I'll finish this later............ Not up to writing the rest

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