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You know ,I sit and think about past days and put two and two together and it makes sense.Maybe not completely ,but it does.I sit and think about my life and how it's changed ,for the better then the worse.Then,I laugh at how I've contradicted myself in every way possible.I'm the kind of girl that I despise and yet I can't do anything but laugh .Sometimes when I'm just sitting somewhere I have a full on laugh attack and look like the craziest chick ever .I'm being stupid and silly .LoveSick and "not mature".But all of it somehow just doesn't matter to me ,I know despite every shitty thing going on I'm suppose to be with him.It's been like that since we met .Unfortunately ,I don't know if he feels the same way anymore ...and that's slowly tearing me apart .Mentally ,I'm a wreck .The thoughts are back and they're even more intense .My mind is never a pleasant place to be in,it throbs with everlasting resentment .Physically ,I don't sleep right.Every morning it's 4:15 and I'm up with a headache .My hairs falling out like I have a condition ...which I don't.There's no one to talk to .My best friend is great to talk to when she actually wants to listen.It wasn't until all this happened that I realized my real best friend has been him ,and for months I've been taking advantage of it.What do you do when you want to tell everything to the person in the middle of it.I hate it that everyone acts as if nothings wrong .Like we're still the perfect pair and what not.The senseless jokes.I hate not knowing what's going to happen with all of this.I want to trust him with my heart again ,I wanna forget about every argument we've ever had and the crap going on now.I'd like to know if what we had planned for us is still going to happen or are you slowly going to cut me out of your life until all I am is a distant memory. I just don't know how.I've never had a problem with trust ,it's when you lose it that's when I become the bitter Kiani everyone knows and comes to loathe.All this and I feel like the ignorance surrounding everything.Ignorance is never bliss my friend .Mm I think that's it for now so Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle .

January 4,2010
So poppycock with Alan.I thought he didn't want to ,but he text me .He asked "Do you just want to fuck or did you want me?" at first I got pissed because I thought he was going to pawn me off to that guy I met Saturday ,but once again I'm wrong.I guess he wanted to know if he was being used ...who knows.I told him I just chose him.Geoffrey and Charnise ,I'm so sorry ,but I want his tongue.Gee was texting me .He want to know if I can still chill with him today.Gotta tell him no because Alan is what I want today haha.In drivers ed I have a feeling ____ is going to turn gay .The hair .The sweaters.He actually matches without matching guys can't do that.Edwin broke up with Christina AGAIN ! Like honestly I don't even know if you can call that a year.But they don't need to go back out it's annoying.
January 5,2010
I fucked Alan yesterday .It was so good three trojans .Rachel was there haha.I thought it was going to be like an hour it was longer ,that's whats up.Best Head Ever.He told me I was the best he ever had ,that's whats up .But Alan is my "Dro", my own Tylenol.It's amazing like I wanted to fuck'em as soon as he left .Amazing dicks of the world.I have to wait until fucking Thursday.Thursday! WTF
Alan Alan Alan
Alan Alan Alan
Tongue.Piercing .Voice (white boy voice)hair.Body.eyes .love his face.I find it nice to look at.He makes me smile.Damn no Kiani no feelings.He has a Gf
January 7,2010
I fucking hate this school,my life,his life ,and her life .Ms.McGee is a bitch .PMS.PMS.PMS.You can kiss my ass.Ms Ripoll better ,not high strung and pretty chill.Mr.Johnson is an ass .Just give me a damn pass so I can go.Stop being difficult.U'm ready to shoot someone in the face .I'm tired .Brandon and Duke texted me .I don't want to talk to Duke and Brandon is becoming more of an asshole each text.Alan has yet to text me though and it's eleven.You said ten.Ugh he needs to appear on my phone
January 11,2010
No school today because I'm just a horrible student .Why won't he text me .I wanna fuck today...I have feelings for him sure but he can't know that.I mean he might know ,but he doesn't have a spoken word ._________
January 12 2010
In P.E well I was then Matt came over so I closed it quickly .But yeah evidently Rachel was right me and Alan are like the perfect match..well we are :) So let's start from the beginning he was texting me while in class (study)I don't know.But I was like you should come over .So we settled on eleven.I had like the weirdest feeling that papa knew my plans so he tried to stay up.So I was getting frustrated ,but he "gave up"at like 11:45 haha success ! So Alan came over and was nervous at first about going up the stairs.,but we got in and I turned on the music and we were making out then he ate me out ...yum btw.We fucked on my bed .Then the floor .I like kissing him ,turns out he likes my weirdness...and my boobs (he thinks they're cute).So we just sat close to each other and talked about .His girlfriend and his "philosophy" on cheating (it makes sense believe it or not) and why he doesn't care.Like neither one us want to have sex just cuddle and talk (spoon?) if you will.He told me I was the best and my ______ was amazing .That he thinks about me at work.I'm growing on him did you know that?I told him I liked his face and his Wayne impersonations .I love everything about him.His Chillness .Like I haven't felt this way about anyone since Randy.Except I feel something more.I know .I know bullshit .I know .But I can't help it.He told me he doesn't get me ,to be honest I don't get myself ,but then again isn't that how everyone sees themselves?He kissed me on the way out ,whenall i was expecting was a hug...HMm write more later I need to think a little.
January 13 ,2010
So my day starts with Alan of course .I woke up because I've been sleeping alot thanks to our previous morning together.He called me and we talked for like an hour about us and my feelings .Him debating us and some other chick .
I hate math I got a detention for not doing my homework .Bitch you can use that shit as a pad because I'm not going.
January 14,2010
When will it end?
January 17,2010
So I'm officially smitten with Alan .Yes I said smitten.Like yesterday he slept over and it felt good.No more than good it felt right ,perfect ,like this is who I wanna be with .Anyway prego is gone and the other chick was _____.So I'm pretty much going against myself.He thinks about me ,Rachel is possibly jealous because she told me to cool it with him ...it's not going to happen.
January 18,2010
I got to see Alan this morning .He make me smile .He came her at like 7 and left at 9:30.I was so happy he kept saying "I missed you" and stuff.Tyelane was at his brother's house.I told him to delete my number yesterday because everyone is trying to ruin us and there isn't even an us to ruin yet .
January 25,2010
So finally back in school .Feels weird.No Alan today.Work and Class :( ,but anyway let's catch up

  1. Alan is my boyfriend
  2. Brandon stopped texting me after he found out..surprise
  3. "One Time " has been trying to chill lately
  4. Rachel got Alan to tell Tyelane about her not wanting to fuck

I hate being asked what I want .Why? Well because it's never anything materialistic ,nothing tangible .What I want is to be wanted ,like seriously.I probably sound pathetic ,but I don't really give a shit I just want to be appreciated .
What I want is to be loved .I want people to think that it’s a privilege to have me and feel punished when I leave .I want people to stop me and say how beautiful I am if that’s even what I am.I want to be someone worth monogamy, worth the satisfaction that I’m their other half. I want to be able to content who ever I’m with. I want someone that truly has eyes for me and only me. I want someone who pays no attention to the gorgeous girl that walks in and doesn’t wish I was her. Someone that can’t take their eyes off of me. To tell me that, “If he isn’t treating you right I promise I will” and actually mean it. I want to be seen as priceless, the girl that people are only with in their dreams. I want to have everything over the “other girl” .I want to be enough .Enough so that other distractions aren't needed.I'll admit I'm not the most interesting person you'll ever meet ,I'm pretty sure I'm a pretty bland person ...or so I've been told.Someone that doesn’t see me as an easy pass,but sees me as …I don’t even know. I want to be entangled in someone’s arms and know for a fact that he’s only thinking of me. I want my advice to reach someone’s temporal lobe and stay there. What I want is to be important enough to change for the better .Never asked to change your very being just change what you should’ve already changed. I want the tears to halt at the rims of eyes and to not have to worry about any unnecessary events. When is there going to be a time when someone finally sees that I’m worth it and I deserve it .I want people to be honest with me. If you’re my friend act like it don’t try to worsen the situation. I want to be worth not having a single interruptions when we’re alone .Can I at least get that. I want to feel like I’m more important than you’re friends even if it’s just for a night. I want to be able to go to sleep now with out a doubt in my mind as to what you’re doing and who you’re with. I want to counted as at least pretty when I’m with my friends not a “disappointment”. I want the apologies to stop because I realize they don’t mean a thing. Who knows? Who knows that I like being kissed on the forehead because it makes me feel all tingly .Or that I look in the mirror everyday for at least 20 minutes straight wishing that something would miraculously change. Who knows that I write about everything that I go through everyday even if it’s that I tied my shoe? When I close my eyes for a minute I open them and want to cry even if there isn’t anything wrong that very second. Who knows that when I pass a cemetery I hold my breath because I feel as if it shortens your life. Who knows that I keep my nails long for the simple fact that it draws attention away from my face. Or that deep down I’m a sucker for love and my feelings are never-ending ?Who knows that I hate when people assume I'm twelve and that it makes me want to light something on fire?.....Guess that's it another emotional splurge just for you.Remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.

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