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Why am I the one to put up with this shit.No one cares. No one sticks up for me.Why? Oh yeah because I'm not relevant anymore.Maybe I should just give in. What's the point of sticking around if I'm not even worth saying something for? "I love her so respect her" the words I've been craving since November 2010 .All those messages,me keeping my mouth shut because I didn't want to stress him out anymore than. he already was I'm glad I didn't say anything it wouldn't of been a waste as I can see. All of those messages and I said nothing .No one to tell then no one to care now.So many words and I was nice to her.I tried even when I hated him and her.I tried because I loved him .but if no one will fend for me I have no other alternative.
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It isn't my fault this drama will never cease and yet in the end I'm going to be the one booted and forgotten.I already know how it's going to end. It isn't fair just when I thought everything was relatively okay people ruin it. I would never ask him to choose because I'm scared of the answer. He knows.She knows.I know.It will always be her.What do I have to offer? Myself? Yeah, because that was worth alot in the past.She has the only thing he wants.What about me? It isn't like I'm some drop dead gorgeous girl,hell most days I don't even feel attractive.....I look like I'm 12 and my body could be better...I'm not that interesting of a person and optimism just isn't in my vocabulary.No one wants to deal with that . And I don't blame them ...It'd be nice though.

Why can't I ever be happy. Times like this I miss Amber she always understood how I felt and the thoughts were never a secret with her.But Amber is dead and I'm still here.She was brave enough and I'm still the coward .

First, off I payed a chick 20 bucks to sit in a 3 hour detention.Why? Because I don't do detention.
Second, the doctor told me my immune system is declining or something like that.If you pay attention you should know why.Third, my best friend is so self-centered she doesn't even know.
Anyway
Everyone thinks I have no feelings. They look at the bland expression on my face and take it as me being vacant. I am fully aware of what goes on around me, I just choose to keep it in. Saves everyone the stress of knowing. The truth is, my emotions are very intense.When I feel happy I'm extremely happy.When I'm sad the world is ending and there's no hope.All I want to do is sleep and remain.....I had a point to this .Hmm. Let's try it again. I'm no longer angry and I'm no longer sad. There are just certain things (songs,shows,clothes,movies,jewelry) that spark memories. Good and Bad. Things I know for a fact he doesn't think about or remember .The little details.It's like a pang in my side then it disappears and leaves me in the past once again. Eventually, I'll get it right and it won't bother me...But until then I'll be here in the land of lost hope...Damn I'm such a downer.I just miss him is all.And that's okay.I think I deserve that much.The best, best friend I've ever had come to think of it.Hmm does that say something about my judge of character aha .okayy I'm done.I'll probably write again tonight.

I just want someone that will let me cry on them .Maybe scream a few times.I really need it .

My last year of high school and I feel absolutely nothing. Perhaps the feelings will just flood through me seconds before I walk across the stage.Whichever it may be. Going back to the school where it all began. I felt no significance. Few people even remembered me. I got the vacant look from some it read, "Oh there's just another girl" . It's okayy it didn't really bother me . I'm used to being irrelevant.
It felt like my schools population of the opposite sex doubled maybe tripled. I'm not even talking about the underclassmen . The weird thing was I felt no attraction to any of them. Even when one talked to me. To be honest I zoned out and didn't hear a word. I just don't look at guys that way anymore. I know, I'm not in a relationship anymore (that's still hard to say out loud), but just the thought of being with another person sickened me. Literally. I'm sure with time it'll get better .Maybe not.But like I said I'm used to being irrelevant as of late. I know he's busy . I don't push it. No expectations remember.
Someone told me the best way to get over a man is to get a new one......That's the thing .I don't want a new one. I want the one I have.....had .Is that so much to ask for? Whatever.No stress right?
Well my boobs hurt and I'm hungry so bye.



Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle

Sometimes.....I reminisce and my past blurs the line of reality. It's like I spend my days thinking about what used to be and how the dynamics of a few relationships have changed. Then I come back to the present and don't know how to handle it. I don't want to forget,because that was the most complicated but splendid part of my life. Then, I was the most happiest, I had what I wanted for once. It didn't matter who liked me. How home was.How much of a loner I was at school. I was just in pure bliss. Now? I'm always conscious of how easy it would be for him to disappear once again.....completely. I keep everything in because I feel one slip up and life becomes absolutely intolerable . I just want the present to be as enjoyable as the past. No one ever asks me to just vent (with the exception of one) so I don't. And I say the same thing everyday. It's killing me.Eating away at me. Nobody seems to care about the inside just as long as I seem fine on the outside why bother right? People claim they care, but the truth is apparent .
I try so hard more than anyone can imagine. To keep up this pretentious facade. I may seem like I just let my emotions run a muck through my words, actions. But really....that's nothing compared to what it could be.Of course though no one sees that. I spend my time tending to everyone's emotional needs ....Who's gonna be there for me ?

I hate my mom, but you should already know that . If it was up to me she'd be long gone . Of course I could be the one to make that happen but alas I'm too much of a pussy. I can't tell you how long I've wanted to see her stupid face crushed under my forever 21 stilettos. How long I've wanted to bash her stupid skull in with a hammer and watch her hemorrhage. I hate her more than anyone. I hate her more than I've ever hated anyone or anything.And no one understands. I crave that scene that's forever playing in my head, in my dreams. People would call that a nightmare I call it a night worth sleeping. When will it end.I ask myself that everyday.She says I'm angry because of so many irrelevant things. You wanna know what I tell her ? I tell her It's you and it's always been you.I tell her I hate her.I tell her that if it was ever up to me she wouldn't be related to me in any way ,shape,or form. Ijust want her to die.

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