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What's best for me and what's best for everyone else are two entirely different things. I've spent so much of my life trying to please my mom, my invisible dad,my siblings who seem to outshine me regardless,my once true love,my best friend. It seems the only time I get a say is when I'm being selfish. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll find the balance that I so desperately need to keep my level of sanity. I've come to a point in my life of only 17 years that I need to leave and start over. New beginning.Clean Slate.Where no one knows my name.My story.All they know is what I choose to share. What I choose to be known. Nothing more.Nothing less.
Why did she do it?
"Oh she's been batteling depression."
"Her boyfriend is having a kid.....had a kid"
"It's all my fault"
"Was it school"
"She stopped taking her meds"
"I didn't even see it coming"
"She'll be back"
ALL OF YOU ARE WRONG.You think you know me ? Oh you've all just scratched the surface.I'm not depressed.I don't give a shit about a bouncing baby bastard with a stupid name to match its stupid mother.I laugh at the life that screwed up child will have.Be mad ...Don't care . As for my meds I stopped taking those about two months ago.And lastly I won't be back.
I don't think of this as a sad time. I think of it as a relief . Everyone may not see it now but soon they will.I never understood why people worried.It kind of insults my intelligence just a tad. Why would I just disappear and not have a plan. Maybe if the few people that care enough about me to read this pathetic blog would relay the message to the people that "love" me . I know where I'm going, the people I chose to be apart of my "born from the ashes" life , the goals I've set .Some accomplished others in sight .My life is just starting and I don't have the slightest doubt.The smallest ounce of remorse for what I've decided to do with my life. Why? Simple.....It's my life and I shall do what I want with it.Maybe, just maybe if I feel nice in the near future I'll send a letter,or even an email.If I'm feeling like Jesus himself I might even text a few of you "once upon a timers"....But that's if I'm just to the point of pure bliss.I'm prepared for the hardships.The scares.The uncertainty.I don't know what's out in the world ? We shall see .We shall all see .I don't need to be a prostitute.I don't need to steal a sharpie from walmart and march around with my cardboard sign. I don't need to stay locked up in an apartment or a house to avoid "the man" . I don't even need to bounce around from house to house hoping I'm not put out on the streets.I'm Kiani. That's all you need to know.I'm not above anyone ,neither below remember that and don't sweat my absence it's not permanent ....maybe who knows .....Only time will tell.Now dance my puppets....DANCE

Love can't find you when you're dead .That's the only way I can escape .I made a mistake and I'm living with it.I can't even write about him without crying.I can't think about him without crying.I love him,Alan ,I love him so much .It's consuming every thing in me.I know I ended it and I realize how dumb I was.The pathetic part is I don't even think he wants me back.Who would blame him I'm a wreck that doesn't know what I want.I just can't let go.The more I think he lets go the tighter my grip gets.I just want it all to be over .I know this post makes no sense but thats how my head is .I love you .I want you back.


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