I hate when people tell me to be social.It's not that I can't ,it's just that I rather not.I'm really okayy with taking a walk by myself or sitting on a swing with nothing but my ipod on shuffle, volume louder than it should ever be.I don't know I used to want to be accepted by everyone .The wannabe.....that was me and I'm not ashamed to admit it.Do whatever to please someone in hopes of getting somewhere .Ambition if you will.Never really fitted in and I still don't .Maybe just maybe I'd find a few people that I would blend with well ,but eventually (unfortunately ) they would disappear feeling like nothing but a figment of my bizarre imagination.Then I'm stuck not physically ,but socially.Stuck not belonging to any specific posse .
Never wanted to be well known ,just known . Now that I think about it I never really got that and that was actually the only thing I wanted at the time.I actually make myself laugh thinking about my need to be accepted .Pretty soon people started to notice me but for the wrong reasons .Yeah I have to admit I brought that onto myself so I can't really get mad at the outcome.Sure it's cooling down ,but the simmering will last for a while .Finally backing away from my semi tarnished "reputation" if you can even call it a reputation I just started to not care .I didn't care about having friends in school or out.I didn't care if someone didn't say hey to my in the halls of insanity.I didn't care if I was missing some friendly get together ( not like I was invited to every one of them anyway ).I didn't care if so-called "bestfriends" kept me updated anymore.I was and still am over it.My therapist said I was putting up a wall to keep out the hurt .She tried to convince me of my own feelings ? I'm no dumbass I know what I feel .Truth is the wall was built to prevent stress.I just wanna finish school , be done ,and move on to a more interesting phase of life.I don't like when people tell me I'm gonna regret not enhancing my high school years with "activities ". You might be right ,but right now ,right here I DON'T CARE ! Don't give two fucks.Los Siento' .I'm fully content with being an introvert ,that's how I like it .Silent days and Silent nights .Maybe when I'm older I'll be motivated to "get involved" but until then fuck it.
Anyway thanks for reading this long ass post and remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle .
Now remember .Knowledge is power .....SO YOU JUST LOST !!! .....and not knowing is just half the battle . :)
I saw something that reminded me of then.....him,us. The debate in my mind .Do I care? I can honestly say no . Did it bother me ? Sure ,that used to be mine.Not hers.Did I want to gain possession of that once more? No.Absolutely not .No regrets .Reminisce? A little ,but when I returned to the present I realized it was so much bigger, more important then my past.Our past .
My scars never cared what I said they,never wanted an apology.Never needed an explanation.Never needed time.Never needed consulting .Never kept me up at night wondering . .Scars don't talk.Exactly my point they were just there .When I let my razor pull against my skin ,grazing my veins .Everything was fine again .No headaches.No stress.No disagreements.No lingering arguments.Just peace,a beautiful thing.Until I abandoned my metallic ally .Now everything that I was able to avoid is suddenly flooding my life.Feelings are hurt.Non-stop apologies.Half-Ass explanations.Sleepless nights.Unwanted Opinions.Interludes.Chain of Unhappiness caused by a minor thought spoken aloud .All this uncertainty is killing me .It's making me want to throw in the towel and proclaim that this game is over by forfeit.
You ever just feel like something is off .That lump that's camping out in your throat .The feeling like someone is dropping bombs down your esophagus and into your stomach.Feeling like you're gonna puke every five seconds .Anxiety reaches an unbelievable height. The ironic thing is you know you didn't do a thing and yet you feel so guilty.Your body opposite your mind.An Oxymoron without words.What the hell do you do?