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How I'm feeling ?
      I feel alone. Not in the "I'm doing everything by myself" alone . I don't know how to explain it. I should be stress free, shouldn't I ? Alan is more of a husband than a boyfriend ( not that I'm complaining) . He makes sure I have whatever I need, want. Whatever is in his power he's always willing to just give it to me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. The one thing that I'm suppose to be doing is school... and I'm failing miserably at that. I hate it. I hate how I keep letting people down.     

     My Mom? Ever since I found out I was pregnant we've been closer. Shocking right ? She's like my only friend, her and my sisters. My Mom and I talk everyday now, I actually miss being over there sometimes because I can't stand the silence in this apartment.Now she has a new boyfriend, I like him enough,but I feel like I just got her back. After 18 years I feel like we finally have the relationship that both of us wanted. I'm not ready to let her go , to someone else. Every time she dates someone it's them. THEM. All the time. Instead of everything going slow, it's like you can't catch her without him .
My sisters are always in their own world which is fair enough , we talk enough. It's not like we ever have complex conversations anyway.

     Sometimes I cry out of the blue and blame it on hormones even though I did that before I was pregnant.I'm just so overwhelmed with thoughts . Thoughts from the past , present and the haunting future.  23 weeks and I'm still not ready to be someone's mom. I feel like Leilani deserves better than me .


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