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You know ,I sit and think about past days and put two and two together and it makes sense.Maybe not completely ,but it does.I sit and think about my life and how it's changed ,for the better then the worse.Then,I laugh at how I've contradicted myself in every way possible.I'm the kind of girl that I despise and yet I can't do anything but laugh .Sometimes when I'm just sitting somewhere I have a full on laugh attack and look like the craziest chick ever .I'm being stupid and silly .LoveSick and "not mature".But all of it somehow just doesn't matter to me ,I know despite every shitty thing going on I'm suppose to be with him.It's been like that since we met .Unfortunately ,I don't know if he feels the same way anymore ...and that's slowly tearing me apart .Mentally ,I'm a wreck .The thoughts are back and they're even more intense .My mind is never a pleasant place to be in,it throbs with everlasting resentment .Physically ,I don't sleep right.Every morning it's 4:15 and I'm up with a headache .My hairs falling out like I have a condition ...which I don't.There's no one to talk to .My best friend is great to talk to when she actually wants to listen.It wasn't until all this happened that I realized my real best friend has been him ,and for months I've been taking advantage of it.What do you do when you want to tell everything to the person in the middle of it.I hate it that everyone acts as if nothings wrong .Like we're still the perfect pair and what not.The senseless jokes.I hate not knowing what's going to happen with all of this.I want to trust him with my heart again ,I wanna forget about every argument we've ever had and the crap going on now.I'd like to know if what we had planned for us is still going to happen or are you slowly going to cut me out of your life until all I am is a distant memory. I just don't know how.I've never had a problem with trust ,it's when you lose it that's when I become the bitter Kiani everyone knows and comes to loathe.All this and I feel like the ignorance surrounding everything.Ignorance is never bliss my friend .Mm I think that's it for now so Knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle .


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