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It took me a few days before I could handle seeing what what's been plaguing my mind on the screen of my laptop.It's something about me blogging that makes everything sound permanent....definite.So here goes .This might just be the most honest I've been in all my posts.
I never knew what it felt like to want to die so bad.The intensity is on levels I can't even begin to explain.Granted I've had my moments in life where it's just been unbearable,but NEVER like this.I don't understand how one can be so harsh. "Cut and Dry" .I want you to close your eyes.Now picture the one you love more than anything or one ,picture the person you would kill for,picture the one that you'd do anything for.Now imagine if that person told you to stop talking to them.Imagine that person saying I don't want you or I cant deal nor do I want to deal with you.One last thing ....Imagine that person removed themselves from your life without you having a say.Without you doing anything wrong.
Who is she talking about you ask ? Well he isn't going to read this so .....Alan.
Alan they gu I've been talking about in the majority of my posts.I remember I told myself not to fall for this guy.But I couldn't help it he was so amazing.All my previous experiences with people who I've trusted just to watch them leave....No I'm not talking about other boyfriends.I believed he was going to be different .Who was this guy ? This dread-headed Cutie.I guess you could say the fact that he had a girlfriend when we met should've sparked a thought but I wasn't thinking .I loved him from the start.I still don't know what it was that made us click .He was like the missing piece to my Picasso-themed puzzle was found and it was perfect.
Sorry flashbacks .Now all I do is cry.All I do is wish for something that only one of us wants.I knew I wouldn't be his first priority after his kid was born but I at least wanted a number.To reassure me that I wouldn't be pushed away.Since the day we broke up I regretted it .All I want is to be able to call him my boyfriend again.I don't want some guy to come and mend what was broken I don't even want Alan to do that.Let it remain in piece
The last time I saw him we talked about everything and it felt like old times.There he was my bestfriend smiling in front of me again .Sharing his thoughts.I wasn't planning on us having sex it just happened.If I knew that would be the last time I got to touch him and vice versa I would have savored the moment.We even fell asleep together.He woke up and left.I didn't know that would be the last time I'd see him .....not forever but you know what I mean.
If you truly love someone you wouldn't be able to just give up right? I guess he didn't love me the way that it seemed .I think that's the part that hurts me the most knowing that I'm as disposable as a Styrofoam cup.When my phone vibrates my face gets hot and I just hold my breath wishing that it was Alan.When I hear a car door slam I rush to the window hoping that he's come to see me .I'm so pathetic right?
The easy way out of all of this just keeps looking better and better.What's the point anymore.Just worthless Kiani.The girl that wasn't good enough to work it out.My chest hurts where my heart used to be and I have no one to talk to.My mom just expects me to get over all of this.Alan does to.I can't .I gave him every part of me .I just can't believe it could all be over just like this.I'll give it as much time as it wants to work itself out.I'm just over life .Don't want it anymore.


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