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So which is it?
Am I happy that I'm finally out of the "let's ignore Kiani" stage or is this reunion adding fuel to the already extinguished fire? After everything I'm willing to settle for just a friendship. It seems like I should be angry,but I'm not .Granted I'm not jumping for joy ,but the pain that still lingers is slowly subsiding . Maybe I'm an idiot for letting the wall just fall based on one conversation.One short and choppy conversation(but a conversation nonetheless). I'm aware that he could drop me at anytime ....he's done it a few times before .
Why is it so easy to just risk my feelings with him ? Perhaps it's the fact that I'm hoping just a tad that this is time that he'll realize that he wants what I want and that he should stop being stubborn. I'm settling for a friendship not to ease my way back into his heart because it'll never be the same and I'll never be the same.And definitely not because I don't think that I could "find" better. I'm settling because I need him in my life regardless of what we are to each other.I don't need to be "Hobbit" ....I've come to terms with the fact that it won't happen ever again.Not because of me...well yes because of me (I can't handle all that's going on ,So I'm told) . Of course it still hurts, but I'm willing to try harder and make it not anymore. He's moved on so why can't I? It's funny to me how I used to be .Not a feeling in my horizon, to this love sick girl that can't even get a text message .It's horrible lol .
My shrink thinks I'm a fortune teller ....not really .But she says I anticipated this to happen even before all of it did .I wrote poems and stories about women who were wrong by men in the SAME exact way ....of course most of them committed suicide haha. That's what she worries about . I assured her that's not going to happen.Why? Because unless something changes with him I'm moving far away (only to Nevada or back to Hawaii) she thinks it's a good idea .So does my mom .Funny How we agree on something that involves me leaving .
Why would I lie obviously I have no problem with leaving.I don't have friends and the one person that I based my future around has a little future of his own and won't miss me in the slightest .Who would miss me right ? It's the only thing keeping me sane knowing that I can start clean completely .
Considering this is kind of long and you're probably sick of crawling through my head I'll spare you until next time.So remember knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle.....I hope this doesn't cost me my privileges of getting text messages back lmao .


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