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Why am I constantly on this soap box ? Headphones plugged into my laptop. Itunes on shuffle.No distractions.Just me,My thoughts and whoever gives a damn. I feel as if I'm only ever here to talk about men or a man haha. Have you ever just continuously kept poking at something painful knowing that it wont help.I find myself reliving the past. Becoming obsessed with the unattainable.This is why I deactivated my Facebook.To detach myself from the pain slowly suffocating me .But I've realized I'm just too much of a self-harmer than to let myself heal like normal people.I reopen the wound and pour salt and alcohol in.It's like my mind is a conundrum.I want to hate him.I try so hard to.I figure the more you hate a person the quicker they become nothing but a person.I'm guessing that's his approach, but then again what do I know right ?
I was wrong though.I just can't.I want to hold this grudge and vent to the world about my problems and gain people on my side.Rally against him you know? But I can't.The truth is I don't think I've ever loved him more.Maybe my emotions are all fucked up from these meds that I'm on.Maybe not.I'm this stupid girl.I hate myself right now.I'm constantly beating myself up about how much this crap is consuming me.It's now gained a life of its own. I'm a screw up and sure it's my fault , mine and my unstable state of mind . I'm kinda proud of myself .I didn't pick up the blade in a while.Trust me there have been nights where I just wanted to give up.Thoughts of how my life isn't worth much at the moment.I should be used to being alone.I've spent my whole life without anyone to go to.I think the reason that this is different is because I was just getting warmed up to the fact of having someone that wasn't going to abandon me.Someone who was gonna love me for me ,through what ever.No such thing I guess.
Tears are unavoidable .Both my shrinks are afraid for my health....Did you know there's a legit way of dying of a broken heart.If only I could be so lucky...Jesus doesn't love me enough.The only thing I ever ask of him is to just do me in and I couldn't even get that .Fuck'em

I thought we were getting somewhere.I wanna know what I did .
Anyway knowledge is power....And I need sex uh okayy bye


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