Anything & Everything

         I was right in assuming that motherhood wasn't for me. I've always known it, I've never been the one to fawn over children. Some women say they were born to me a mother, that when their child was born life was "complete". I wanted so very bad to feel that. To feel that raw emotion that's supposed to intertwine your souls and all that other sappy shit.

        All these years of saying that "I don't feel like normal people" and I've never believed it more than now. I just feel bad . I feel bad for Alan having to deal with me and my "melancholy" . I mean how long can one person stand it. I feel bad for my daughter. She deserves so much better.

         I'll finish this later............ Not up to writing the rest

How I'm feeling ?
      I feel alone. Not in the "I'm doing everything by myself" alone . I don't know how to explain it. I should be stress free, shouldn't I ? Alan is more of a husband than a boyfriend ( not that I'm complaining) . He makes sure I have whatever I need, want. Whatever is in his power he's always willing to just give it to me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. The one thing that I'm suppose to be doing is school... and I'm failing miserably at that. I hate it. I hate how I keep letting people down.     

     My Mom? Ever since I found out I was pregnant we've been closer. Shocking right ? She's like my only friend, her and my sisters. My Mom and I talk everyday now, I actually miss being over there sometimes because I can't stand the silence in this apartment.Now she has a new boyfriend, I like him enough,but I feel like I just got her back. After 18 years I feel like we finally have the relationship that both of us wanted. I'm not ready to let her go , to someone else. Every time she dates someone it's them. THEM. All the time. Instead of everything going slow, it's like you can't catch her without him .
My sisters are always in their own world which is fair enough , we talk enough. It's not like we ever have complex conversations anyway.

     Sometimes I cry out of the blue and blame it on hormones even though I did that before I was pregnant.I'm just so overwhelmed with thoughts . Thoughts from the past , present and the haunting future.  23 weeks and I'm still not ready to be someone's mom. I feel like Leilani deserves better than me .
     
     
 

How many times am I going to be humiliated, shitted on?
     Oddly , I feel no anger, I've come to a point of "what's new?". I'm so used to this fuckery, typical typical fuckery.

• My rent is slowly creeping up
• I need to find a new job like ASAP
• I'm pregnant

and now this......................................
I should've just went to college . Dorm Room, Frat Party College. I wouldn't be dealing with this. I've been trying to see the bright side in all of this , but there's always something............

I'm conflicted. With who I wanna be and who I should be. It's time I made a decision, it isn't fair for everyone involved to be dragged along while I try and figure out what I'm going to do. Somehow I feel as if people are making it easier . Spreading their opinions among 2,3 people. How am I still in the dark while everyone else was given a flashlight. Am I not the key component to this schematic? If not then what the fuck am I still doing here. Instead of having your suspicions about me people should worry about who there friends are.
      When are we finally going to be mature enough to express our feelings with each other instead of with irrelevant people? I've been trying to build this strong relationship that people would envy, but I'm realizing ....what's there to want?
I'm sick of settling, I'm not saying I'm better than anyone , but I deserve better. I don't deserve to be second guessed all the time..... I haven't done anything. Although, there have been times when I have wanted to. I don't like people keeping tabs on me not you, your friend(s), I'm not a child. Seems like you trusted me more back then when all you knew about me was how I liked to be fucked.
     I haven't changed at all. I've been this way since we met. I'm only in a harder exterior, but of course you have yourself to blame for that. I've come to the conclusion after all this time that I love myself more than I love him, and for a while it was the opposite. I'm at a point in my life where if it needs to be done it can be no hard feelings . I won't bother him ever again. If that's what he wants. I'm just tired.

Well, knowledge is power and not knowing is just half the battle....

People are such bullshit and I hate you all . Go die . Jump off a bridge cliff idgaf. Suck my dick and suffocate on my mandigo . Times ticking . The Bombs gonna blow. The detonator is impossible to reach. Have fun smelling your own fumes. HMm yea

Once upon a time there was a Queen of a vast world called Kiavibech that knew all. Every little secret thought erased from the face of the Earth was kept deep within the crevices of her brain.How did she come to acquire such precious gifts you might ask? Well let's just say when you're quiet...people love to fill the silence. The Queen loved all of her subjects. The liars, and criers, illegal drug buyers. Each played a part in her realm for without them where would she be? All was well  until one day one of her trusted advisers committed treason . The silent rule of secrecy was broken . Everyone knew of his act except the Queen, but no one said anything. No one except Milo. Milo who hardly knew the Queen was smitten with her at first sight. But rule of the court forbade them to ever be more than master and servant. He took a vow to admire from afar and always protect the Queen. The corrupted advisor kept on with his crimes not thinking that one day they would catch up to him.Milo didn't know what he should do so he waited and soon after the advisor enlisted an accomplice who knew far more than she should. Milo knew that he must tell the Queen because she would know what to do. After listening to everything Milo had to say the Queen calmly explained that she had nothing to fear. She told him the many stories she'd sworn to take with her to the grave that if "accidentally" slipped out could ruin people beyond repair.Within the amount of time it took her to accumulate all of it she had secrets of her own. Some she never told anyone and some that "tumbled" out of her mouth in hopes that when the time came that whoever that one person that knew was, if spoken would be catch then unravel their own web of lies that were far worse than anything she's ever done. The Queen regal and all set an execution date and vowed that no matter what the final blowed would be delivered personally by her.
 
 

I'm graduating in about a month and some days. Geez I thought I'd never say that. Pretty soon I'll be walking across the stage in my dorky cap and gown. It feels like I've been in high school for 10 years. 10 long shitty years. Will I miss this place, the people, the walls of virtual security? Hard to tell. It still hasn't hit me I'm about to be a full fledged adult. Say what you want about me not paying for EVERYTHING on my own. I've paid my debt to society aha. I'm in the process of moving out, I should find out if I've been excepted into The Art Institute, no one can tell me what to do anymore. Life is good . This chapter of my life is finally coming to an end...as cheesy as that sounds.
   I'm not really sure if I want to even move out with four other people . Four very different people. Two of them are guys.... I can't decide if I really want to move in because I do or if I'm just desperate to get out. I guess we should all sit and talk about it before any of us waste time and money.It's so annoying when the pessimist try to tell us we can't do it or it's a silly ideal. Well you wanna know what you're a silly idea fucktards.
   I know it isn't doable, but when it is I wanna have my own place. Me,myself and I. Alan was apart of the plan but I'm not ready, at least I don't think I am, to live with him.I'm pretty sure he doesn't even want to at the moment if he could. We talked about it and we're just too different when it comes to how we wanna live.That decision could either make or break our relationship and right now I think that would be the straw that broke the camel's back.
   Anyway, who knows post-high school me could be a freaking bombshell.....yeah right. Maybe Kiani 2.0 is in the making already. I feel like high school has been holding me back from just living life . Okayy okayy part of that is because of me...lol

I'm not really sure what it is about my relationship right now.Something is just...off. Like there's a huge elephant in the room that neither one has bothered chase out.I feel like I'm chasing him away, but it's not intentional. It's just that normal things that he does are all of a sudden bothering me immensely.It's not like the beginning of our relationship when I was just getting annoyed with ALWAYS being with him becuase at this point i love spending time with him. Anytime I'm not with him that's when it bothers me. Honestly, what I think it is is this whole Sean and Rachel thing... It's rehashing all of these feelings that I thought I released a while ago. It just makes me think back . This time I get to see it from an outsider's POV. It's heartbreaking to watch my bestfriend go through that. To watch her go at it with that ugly bitch. It's like deja vu. It's like having post tramatic stress from war and hearing gunshots outside of your door.
   I forgave him. Didn't I? So why can't we talk about it without fear of me being upset. "Either you forgive him or move on." the advice I gave her. I'm pretty sure I followed that....

I hate ugly girls who think they're ""bad . Like i'm sorry, but when did it become ok for you bitches to plop your big ass on the bathroom sink and hope to god you look "phat" (is that what the cool ones say nowadays?...Idk).
Ooh Ooh wait what about those pictures where you're just getting out of the shower or you look in the mirror and wince your face up like someone just poured alcohol into your rectum after a big shit.Snap *Caption* "I look soooo ugly, but oh well" ........WTF like alright girl if it's so ugly why post it and punish us with your selfishness?
Here's my all time fave, you lean over with a "cleavagistic" shirt . Snsp* Caption* some deep ass quote like "Only god can judge me" .... 1.)No bitch actually it's on the internet so anyone can judge you including vivid entertainment if they needed new material for soft porn. 2.) Don't pretend like your nipples aren't waiting for their debut really you're far too kind. 3.) Thanks for the show now get back on your pole.
And last, but certainly not least the middle finger and finger guns (watch out Bambi) in ANY picture. Really? Bitch you're ugly is all I can say.It's not cool in any way. Makes you look retarded .

Do I say what I'm thinking or spare someone's feelings? I hate feeling like communication is just one way. Why should I have to worry about results of "just saying" what we're both probably thinking? When will I have the shrewdness to finally ask" How exactly will this work" ? and "Are we wasting our time, playing semi-house, playing semi adults?" It would just be nice to know for certain instead of always wondering if this is all just a temporary solution to a bigger problem. I'm aware words were spoken and futures assumed,but until things are set and stone i'm just on.....idk.

Growing up my sisters and I have basically raised ourselves. Then when my brother was born it just seemed like second nature to become the "mother" all over again.. I'm not saying my mom deserted us. All I'm saying is she could have done a little better. I don't know i guess listening to her talking about trying something new with the family or ......I don't really know what I'm trying to say..........While my mom was off tending to the so called men that she brought into our lives, we were busy growing up. Time never stopped as much as I think she thinks it did. Instead of being there for us she was too busy trying to find a new "Father" for a us. Or maybe she wasn't thinking about us period. Who knows what goes on in her head. Countless nights of listening to the arguing, sleeping in the car while she played romeo (balcony scene) ,letting them put hands on her child. Yet still we were left to sort through the confusing feelings of everything that went on. I'm the one that had to explain when they were scared, I'm the one who had to step in and say "keep your hands off of my brother" , I'm the one who stepped up and said what everyone in the house thought.I'm the one who watched her kids while she was out doing who knows, I'm the one that watched the tears spill down cheeks and listened to sniffles meant to be silent,I'm the one who had to hold it in and seem strong with no one to comfort me. So excuse the hell out of me because I don't trust you, or the men you choose.I'm sorry if you deem me selfish because I don't want to mend an imaginary relationship because now you decide it's convienient for you . If that's what I am for doing things that you should've been there to do then that's fine with me. I feel that if anyone was selfish it was you.........
So...

This is so long over due, but every time I open this window my thoughts scatter and leave me a feeling of ...idk
Recently, I've been thinking....what's new right? I've been thinking about how no one has secrets anymore . The saying is ultimately true. Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. Now a days we're all caught up in lies . He said. She said. I miss the times when you could genuinely trust someone .....let me rephrase that. I miss the times when my words were just air and unimportant. I shouldn't have to hear shit from 3 different people when I only told you. That's how you catch people in a lie. You tell one person and if anyone else repeats it.....well you know. The worst part about it is when it came back to me half of the truth remained. How will we decipher the truth when it becomes too mangled to process?

Coming clean is the only way to get the full story . I think it's hilarious actually. I'm not heartless, but I refuse to feel bad for what went on in the free zone. If I can look past you getting it on with your fat baboon in that gahdamn hiatus of 4 gahdamn months then you should be able to fall in place, strap that erection on and keep the past in the past. I didn't lie no one asked. I don't believe in cheating, but if I'm single and you wanna act single I'm not going to sit around like some simpleton....I like sex too much. I'm allowed to be close to anyone of the opposite sex, but no that doesn't mean I'm boning them . He was there to talk to, going through a bad break up too . When you were too busy ignoring me to go lollygag with your precious seed and her. So I don't wanna hear that bullshit.
I'm not perfect, but to be accused of something that serious is insulting and it made me vomit(literally) to think that we almost ended on some half ass shit boils my blood and gives me those impulsive thoughts that I know I'd regret later.What the fuck do I have to do to show my goddamn sincerity ? That's the question I shouldn't have to answer.
I don't even look over your shoulder anymore cause if you're gonna cheat be my guest I have nothing that keeps me tied to you I can walk scotch free, I chose not to so why would I do something to jeopardize what I've invested blood sweat and tears in (no pun intended) ? What sense does that make? Nada.

Listening to this song always makes me think of people that ask me "What if" like it's a fucking game show. Even people that only know me Via Facebook do it which is even more annoying. That situation.It's like you don't really care what's going on or how it affects anyone , you just like to have your nose in a little bit of everything. If I go around asking myself what if the saga would never end and the regression would slowly begin... Which I refuse to let happen. I've come too far to let the wall tumble back down. I will never again lose control, no one and nothing is worth it at the moment. Instead of what if , I focus on what I feel at every point of the day . Sometimes I find myself tensing up at the first sight of being uncomfortable. I don't know if people notice ( I hope not I don't wanna be weird) . I can't help it I try to keep the smile or at least an unreadable face .Hmm I thought it would be longer but my mind seems to be at ease again so I guess I'll stop.

It's finally here and I don't know what to think..I just hope that everything remains where it's at. 2012 is my year to be happy. It's the year I won't tolerate anything less from anyone. You wanna be along for the ride then you better buckle up cause I have plans for this year and all of you can fall in line or not. Either way I'm gone.

I never understood how the person who seems to have everything you could ever want and can do anything without reprimand is still unhappy . Why am I forced to sit through the tears, why am I forced to slap on this fictitious smile and pretend like I have no problems of my own, therefore having the time to solve their own. Why do I have to keep feeding the same advice repetitively in order to make you understand the obvious. I've come to the point in my life where I've eliminated all of the parasitical relationships but one out of my life. And yet this is the one that that's taking the most from me . Not physically but mentally. What good is a best friend if you can't share your inner secrets in hopes of some much needed second opinions.

It seems like every person I meet wants something, but doesn't go the extra mile for me . Waiting for the day. I intended for this to be longer but all of a sudden my words vanished......

So at two in the morning Alan was here .Beautiful nights I must say . Anyway ever since we found out he's been super affectionate . I don't know why . It's a great feeling though. I don't plan on telling people until I need too. Him on the other hand is excited like there's no tomorrow. I guess plans of moving in together will come sooner than this summer I hope .I miss waking up next to him just about every morning.
His Mom's loves me his whole family does actually and they all said that we'll be great. They're already planning a few things for us . (geez I love them ) I believe them of course because I know it's true .My life right now is like freaking cloud nine . Mustang, a job, My Penis <3 Absolute perfection and NO ONE will ruin it. Pics up soon <3

I for once in my life I have nothing negative to say. That's probably why writing this is difficult . Usually the strength of my posts are powered by my anger or hurt. The thing is I'm neither. I'm relieved , a little apprehensive , but nonetheless happy. Damn I hope I don't jinx it.
It could either go two ways . I could have been right and my era of patience was well sought out for . Or I was wrong and I become the fool everyone has already labeled me as. I have faith in him . I honestly do and I believe he'll take us serious this time.I see my friends and I don't want us to be anything like them . I want us both to be genuinely happy with one another instead of just contenting ourselves. Lazy Dating is something I don't support because in the end someone will get hurt.

Well....

Why am I the one to put up with this shit.No one cares. No one sticks up for me.Why? Oh yeah because I'm not relevant anymore.Maybe I should just give in. What's the point of sticking around if I'm not even worth saying something for? "I love her so respect her" the words I've been craving since November 2010 .All those messages,me keeping my mouth shut because I didn't want to stress him out anymore than. he already was I'm glad I didn't say anything it wouldn't of been a waste as I can see. All of those messages and I said nothing .No one to tell then no one to care now.So many words and I was nice to her.I tried even when I hated him and her.I tried because I loved him .but if no one will fend for me I have no other alternative.
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It isn't my fault this drama will never cease and yet in the end I'm going to be the one booted and forgotten.I already know how it's going to end. It isn't fair just when I thought everything was relatively okay people ruin it. I would never ask him to choose because I'm scared of the answer. He knows.She knows.I know.It will always be her.What do I have to offer? Myself? Yeah, because that was worth alot in the past.She has the only thing he wants.What about me? It isn't like I'm some drop dead gorgeous girl,hell most days I don't even feel attractive.....I look like I'm 12 and my body could be better...I'm not that interesting of a person and optimism just isn't in my vocabulary.No one wants to deal with that . And I don't blame them ...It'd be nice though.

Why can't I ever be happy. Times like this I miss Amber she always understood how I felt and the thoughts were never a secret with her.But Amber is dead and I'm still here.She was brave enough and I'm still the coward .